I ask myself this question on many occasions about what has happened in the past, how does it affect the present, and what is the purpose for the future. Sometimes I feel like there has to be some higher purpose for everything I went through. I often fall back on the test of Job - we keep our faith when things go wrong and don't make sense. Instead of moving away from God, we move closer to God, because that is the best remedy for getting the demons out of our world, and if we can keep our faith and trust in God through difficult times, and move closer to Him instead of away from Him, then when the thunderstorm in our lives are over, we come out better, stronger, and now we can help others.
All of this sounds good in theory, but quite frankly, there are times when I just get depressed. PTSD cost me my relationships with my family and friends. I live and work alone because of it. I have a great deal of difficulty meeting people and making new friends because of it. Even though I have overcome most of the original grip PTSD had on my psyche and soul for so many years, it still has left an aftermath of broken relationships with family friends, loss of my home, my possessions, my career, my education, essentially, so many things I had worked for that if I didn't have PTSD gripping my soul and my brain, what would my life have been like in that case. What would have been different. I am going to be 50 in a couple of weeks and I look back at the damage that PTSD did to my life and the life of everybody around me that was close to me, and it's damage that can't be undone. All of that is very depressing for me.
My mother was playing Chinese Checkers with me one day and she always beat me at that game. I couldn't figure out why, but she always won whenever we played. It was a fun game and an excuse for us to bond when I was a kid. I remember one day when we were playing I asked her how it is that she always wins, and she didn't answer right away. However, there was a point in the game a few minutes later when I moved one of my pieces one step backwards. When I did that, she said to me, "don't do that." I said, "what do you mean?" She said, "don't move backwards. Always move forward. Every step you take, you always move forward, you never look back. Not just here, in life. Always look forward, and never look back." So then, I changed my move. I moved a piece forward. She said to me, "good. That's right. That's how you win."
I take that advice to heart and I apply it to my life when I think about the past and trying to make sense of it all. I fall back on the advice of my mother in the game of Chinese Checkers and in life. "Never look back. Always move forward." I didn't realize it at that time, but she was giving me a life lesson. She was, and still is, a great mom.
All of this sounds good in theory, but quite frankly, there are times when I just get depressed. PTSD cost me my relationships with my family and friends. I live and work alone because of it. I have a great deal of difficulty meeting people and making new friends because of it. Even though I have overcome most of the original grip PTSD had on my psyche and soul for so many years, it still has left an aftermath of broken relationships with family friends, loss of my home, my possessions, my career, my education, essentially, so many things I had worked for that if I didn't have PTSD gripping my soul and my brain, what would my life have been like in that case. What would have been different. I am going to be 50 in a couple of weeks and I look back at the damage that PTSD did to my life and the life of everybody around me that was close to me, and it's damage that can't be undone. All of that is very depressing for me.
My mother was playing Chinese Checkers with me one day and she always beat me at that game. I couldn't figure out why, but she always won whenever we played. It was a fun game and an excuse for us to bond when I was a kid. I remember one day when we were playing I asked her how it is that she always wins, and she didn't answer right away. However, there was a point in the game a few minutes later when I moved one of my pieces one step backwards. When I did that, she said to me, "don't do that." I said, "what do you mean?" She said, "don't move backwards. Always move forward. Every step you take, you always move forward, you never look back. Not just here, in life. Always look forward, and never look back." So then, I changed my move. I moved a piece forward. She said to me, "good. That's right. That's how you win."I take that advice to heart and I apply it to my life when I think about the past and trying to make sense of it all. I fall back on the advice of my mother in the game of Chinese Checkers and in life. "Never look back. Always move forward." I didn't realize it at that time, but she was giving me a life lesson. She was, and still is, a great mom.