I Need To Be Better Than This.....

It was very difficult for me to start this blog, and even more difficult for me to maintain it, primarily because writing about all of this is so painful.  I still can't even write the complete story of exactly what happened to me.  I give generics.  I say I was raped.  I say I was beaten.  I don't give details.  I don't express how I feel.  Most people can't handle it, and if I try to explain anything, they can't absorb what I need to say.  It amazes me how people are so upset listening to me say anything, but yet, I'm supposed to just absorb what happened to me and have "consideration" for "those around me" who are feeling "uncomfortable" about what I want to "say".  Why is that.

I remember I went to a psychologist who was supposed to be a specialist in this sort of thing, and I said to her before I even started speaking, I said, "I don't think you will be able to handle what I need to say..." and she said to me, "Go ahead and tell me what's on your mind.  It will be fine."  She was all wide-eyed and innocent and it was obvious there was no way in hell she was going to be able to handle a session with me.  She was going to just fall apart like a dandelion in the wind.  So, I started to talk, and she couldn't handle it.  She sat there frozen with a deer in the headlights look on her face.  So, I was like, "okay, well, never mind.  I'll find someone else.  Thanks for trying...." and I left.

There was one time when I had a session with a psychologist that was better.  He was able to listen actively and not freak out.  He said to me that I was a "mismatch", in a good way.  He said that with everything that I had been through, my condition of PTSD was so severe that I should be incoherent, on medications, in a psychiatric hospital somewhere, or on suicide watch.  However, I was a mismatch.  I was very highly functional for what I have been through, and he thought that I was exceeding the curve by "millions of miles" and should be proud of that.  That made me feel better.  I have been told that my condition has a 96% suicide rate.  What I like about Tony Robbins is he trained my brain to think bigger and better beyond the box that was being defined for me.  I mean, is it really a mismatch?  Maybe the "mismatch" is the refusal to stay in the box that was built for me by society that says, "you belong in this box - stay there -and don't think you can do better or deserve better."  Why.  Why does that make sense.  It doesn't.  It doesn't make any sense at all.

I need to be better than this. 

Milo Yannipoulos Speaks Out, and then, Caves In, to Sexual Abuse Cover-Up Culture

Milo Yannipoulos was an editor of Breitbart, a conservative online news outlet.  Steve Bannon, who was with Brietbart news, is now in President Donald Trump's cabinet as one of his advisors.  Milo lost Simon and Schuster as the original publisher of his upcoming book because he made comments that seemed to endorse pedophilia.  He said that a mature 13 year old boy with an adult male is not pedophilia.  After the backlash he received from losing Simon and Schuster publishers and the backlash from the mainstream media, he came out in a press conference and admitted that he was a gay man and he was sexually abused by two men when he was 13, one of them being a priest, and he did not realize that what happened to him was, in fact, abuse, until now.  He was dealing with the feelings from his abuse with his rhetoric that was not intended to hurt or affect other abuse victims. He resigned from Breitbart. 

It is not uncommon for sexual abuse victims to overcompensate for their abuse by saying they consented, they were in control, it was their choice, or that it wasn't abuse.  Having to face the reality that someone who was in a position of authority with a predatory mentality took advantage of one's trust and innocence is very difficult to manage.  I am speaking from experience.  It took a very long time for me to admit that I was too nieve and too trusting of predatory people who took advantage, because then I feel that it means that what happened was somehow my fault.  Should've Could've Would've is Monday morning quarterbacking.  So easy to see after the fact.

Milo said in his press conference that he is moving away from conservative news reporting and starting a new website to give him an outlet for entertainment rhetoric.  I admire Milo's bravery in speaking up about his survival of sexual abuse and putting it out there.  I don't even have the guts to come out of my shell as the author of this blog.  I have found that when I have tried to tell people what has happened to me I am treated like a disease that someone might catch - the "abuse" disease.  It doesn't help a survivor of abuse to feel alienated or rejected by others or to feel like the survivor said or did something wrong to affect someone else.  Milo showed alot of emotional strength with this press conference.

Perhaps if all survivors of abuse came out and spoke collectively it can come to a stop and addressed for future generations.  Easier said than done.  There is a cover-up culture that has to change, and it is like trying to pull a dinosaur or an elephant with a rope to make that happen.  The first step, at a minimum, is to not feel alone.  Hopefully that can change.  Maybe this blog can help with that.  Posting all of these well-known personalities like Rhianna, Marie Osmond, and Milo Yannipoulos clearly establishes that it affects all genders, all ages, all races, all income levels, and it has been going on for decades, and for all of the outspeaks by social justice warriors on the left and Trump supporters on the right, the problem of sexual abuse, rape trauma syndrome, and post-traumatic stress disorder is a plague destroying civilized society, and it is still swept under the rug with the delusion that somehow if people continue to put their heads in the sand like ostriches and never discuss it, it will go away.  Not true.  There has to be a change.  Complacency and cover-up is not the answer.