The Function of Blocked Memories

Today I was able to articulate the reasons for blocked memories and why it has not proven to be functional for me to discuss anything about what happened to me in college.

18 rapes is alot to absorb.  That is bad enough.  However, when I reported it to the President of the college, the Dean of the college, college professors, other students, the rape crisis counselor on campus, the psychiatrist on campus, and with all of that, nothing was done and I was given nothing to go on for keeping myself safe.  Instead, I was either ignored, or accused of lying, or told that even if it did happen, it was consensual and I "asked for it".

There was also an attitude of "how much of an idiot does she (as in me) have to be to allow that to happen to her?".

I saw a picture of a sign that said, "DON'T GET RAPED".  The picture was redacted to say "DON'T Get RAPEd".

That clearly illustrates the real problem in society.  We tell women "don't get raped" instead of telling men "don't rape".  

Why was a woman raped?  There is only one reason a woman is raped:  it is because a man decided to rape her.  It is that simple.  There is no other explanation.

However, that is somehow dismissed and instead, other explanations for rape besides the obvious in my last sentence are expressed, including, but not limited to, the following:

• she was wearing promiscuous clothing
• she was drinking
• she stayed out late
• she went to a man's apartment or home
• she "asked for it"
• bad sex doesn't equal rape - it is just bad sex "morning after" regret
• she sleeps around
• she is a prostitute
• she is an exotic dancer
• she is a porn star
• she is lying
• she was topless on the beach
• she was flirting with him
• she drunk-dialed him
• she is married to him
• she is his girlfriend or fiance or wife or mistress
• she wrote him love letters
• they're having a lover's quarrel

I could go on and on about the rationalities that are promoted to justify rape or sexual assault.  As you can see, the rationalities promoted to justify rape or sexual assault are all on the woman.  Apparently, men have no responsibility whatsoever to exercise self-control and act as protectors of women and protect women from men who want to rape or sexually assault them.

My generation was socialized into believing that protective men are bad people.  We were socialized into believing that women are supposed to spit on men who try to protect them and embrace men who promote their sexual promiscuous behaviors under the pretext that sexual promiscuity is feminine independence.

I have put the feminist movement into two categories:  the suffrage movement feminists and the baby boomer feminists.

The Suffrage Movement Feminists (SMFs) are advocates for the role of men as protectors and providers for their wives and children and advocates for restraint from promiscuous behavior.  The Suffrage Movement Feminists believe that the role of men is to protect women from rapists and sexual assaulters and make sure rapists and sexual assaulters are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

The Baby Boomer Feminists (BBFs) are very different.  BBFs spit on men who serve as protectors and providers for their wives and children claiming that those men are oppressive.  BBFs don't want men to open doors for women or carry heavy things for them.  BBFs encourage women to be sexually promiscuous and encourage multiple partners and to lay topless on the beach and burn their bras under the guise of a "sexual revolution" for women to have sexual freedom.  

BBFs do not advocate for the prosecution of rapists or sexual assaulters.  Instead, BBFs advocate for women to murder their children with abortions if they get an unwanted preganancy from a rape and allow the rapists and sexual assaulters to run around free without consequence to create more unwanted pregnanacies in the future.  

What is most disturbing is BBFs' efforts to take Second Amendment Rights away from women so that they cannot defend themselves from rapists or sexual assaulters.  BBFs also want to take Second Amendment Rights away from men so that men cannot protect women from rapists or sexual assaulters either.  Promotion of sexually promiscuous behavior without consequence keeps Planned Parenthood busy which funds the Baby Boomer Feminists in the Democrat party.

My realization that I was played by these people is why I left the left.  I consider myself a Suffrage Movement Feminist and denounce the Baby Boomer Feminist movement that promotes rape culture for Planned Parenthood slush funds that line the pockets of Baby Boomer Feminists led by Hillary Clinton and the other women in the Democrat party that have pushed the women's movement backward instead of forward through the advocacy of rape culture.

The 2020 election was stolen.  Hillary Clinton was on camera pushing the narrative that Joe Biden should not concede no matter what (even if he knows he lost the election) because she had hundreds of lawyers ready to go after Donald Trump.  Joe Biden himself admitted on camera that he would illegally grab the oval office with what he said was the most corrupt election mechanism set up in the history of American Politics that would result in him taking the seat of  President of the United States of America without getting a single vote from any American voters.

This means that BBFs are advocating rape culture, destruction of Second Amendment rights, and, as proven from the stealing of the 2020 election, BBFs do not want women to have the right to vote either.

The millions of women in this country who voted for Donald Trump and voted for Republicans that resulted in a Republican majority in the House and the Senate had their voices silenced at the ballot box in violation of the Constitutional rights to vote that was fought for by the Suffrage Movement Feminists since the 1800s.  Hillary Clinton and her BBFs have trampled on the very right to vote that was fought for by the originators of the Feminist Movement - the Suffragettes who fought for women to be able to vote.

Hillary Clinton and her BBFs have put our country on a trajectory for destruction.  It is terrifying to see what they are doing to our country and our planet.  They are pushing everything that was fought for by our predecessors since the revolutionary war backwards against everything that we stand for as a country.

My 21 year old brain who had never lived away from home could not handle all of this at that age.  The blocked memories are a vital necessity so I can function in this dysfunctional system set up to push the Suffrage Feminist Movement backwards to the stone age with socialization for exploitation of women for the BBFs' own selfish gains.

That's all for now.  More later.

The Healing Power of a Good Cry

Yesterday, I was trying to explain how I was attacked in college.  The question I was asked was, "how many men and what was their race?"

I went into shock and started crying hysterically.  I just could not engage in such a conversation.  I was sick and tired of talking about what happened to me like it was just a news broadcast talking about the weather or some other innocuous dispassionate topic.

I explain what happens to me and all I get is compete indifference.  One of the reasons I have blocked out memories is because the indifference is probably more painful than anything else.  It is bad enough these things happened.  However, the attitude that what happened to me is just another event with such indifference creates a blinding level of emotional hell that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

I didn't answer the stupid question being asked of me.  I simply just started crying non-stop hysterically for about an hour or so.  Maybe longer or shorter, I don't know.  All I know is the tears were flowing and I couldn't stop it.

At some point, something kicks in my brain that there is no answer or solution for any of this and I just have to simply shut it out of my mind and get on with my life.  However, the human mind mapping from this trauma on my brain remains there.

That being said, at least some acknowledgement that something actually happened to me is better than saying nothing happened at all.  

Acknowledgement of the event to prompt a good cry is healthy.  Crying is the body's natural way of eliminating toxins and bad energies.  I found after a healthy cry that I felt better.

We live in a society that condemns expression of emotions like crying.  I don't know why it is like that.  It is not healthy to hold things inside.  Crying is a way to get all the bad stuff out of your system.  If we don't get emotions out of our system in a healthy way through expressions like crying, then they will come out in an unhealthy toxic way, which is not good for anyone.  

That being said, I found it has been difficult for me to have any of the emotions that result from what happened to me because nobody wants to hear about it at all.  The most I can do for expression is an anonymous blog like this one here, and even then, I have a great deal of difficulty expressing myself here, even when I know that there is zero chance of revictimization or guilt or shame that comes from people shutting me up or shutting me out.

I have lived alone and worked alone for several years now.  I simply have no interest or desire to bother with anybody.  People want to dump their issues on me but are oblivious to my issues.  That gets tiring after awhile.  It feels like a one-way street.  

At some point, I decided to just forget about myself altogether and focus on everybody and everything else that has nothing to do with the traumas of my past.  However, even that gets tiring.  I feel like I have a boulder I have been carrying around on my shoulders for 35 years.  Why do we live in a society that promotes crimes against women and children?  How did this happen?  Why do we blame women  for "getting raped" instead of holding men accounting for committing rape?  That is the problem. 

That's all for now.  More later.

The Pain Gets Worse......

There are days when I feel like this blog doesn't make the pain better, even though that is the point of why I started it in the first place.  Sometimes, I feel like it makes the pain worse.

Honestly, I don't think the rapes or the beatings are nearly as bad as dealing with the emotional pain of how people react to what happened to me.  I think the most painful emotions happen when I am met with complete indifference to what has happened to me.  If I try to explain that I was raped or I was beaten, I get a response of indifference like I just said I went to the store or I just watered my plants.  If I don't get indifference, then the other reaction will be that either I deserved it, or, that I'm just being a drama queen looking for attention - that I'm exaggerating - or that I'm just outright lying.

The worst part is that sometimes I think that not only is there indifference to what I say happened to me, I feel like I'm not supposed to even talk about it.  Forget about emotions.  I can't be angry, or hurt, or cry, or scream, or yell, or express anything about what happened at all.  How can I even get to emotions when I can't even talk about it.  I mean, even now, I can't even bring myself to write about what happened to me in my own anonymous blog.  I've written some things, but not everything, because the emotional pain is so unbearable it's too much for me.  Just the events are painful enough, but I can't get past the social barriers of rejection and finger-pointing and blame game.  It's horrible.  Even now, just talking about the subject of talking about what happened, without even getting to what happened, is creating alot of emotional hell for me.

What is also frustrating is that the car accident is on the inside.  If someone breaks a leg, or an arm, or has some physical disfigurement on the outside that people can see, then the reaction of horror and anger and sympathy comes from others because it is tangible.  They can see it.  Even if its a biological virus on the inside, still, its tangible with science.  But, when someone like me is talking about emotional pain, it just doesn't get the same response, or reaction, at all.

I can explain a broken leg, or a broken arm, but how do I explain a broken soul.  How do I explain a broken mind.  How do I explain a permanent hell that exists in me that no matter how much I pray, or meditate, or focus on other things, to wipe that hell away, it never goes away.  It's always there.  The most I am able to do is to just get the volume down to level 1 or 2 instead of level 9 or 10.

Once in a great while, and I mean ONCE in a GREAT WHILE, as in VERY RARELY, I have had a break from that hell and had moments of normalcy recently.  They are very few, and very fleeting.  They don't stay, but, it is nice that at least, I can see them.  So, that gives me hope.

I remember those moments of internal normalcy with such vividness.  Nothing special was going on, but I can remember I was standing in my living room and it was there, and it was so nice.  It would be good if I could somehow repair myself 100% to be at that place all the time.  I don't know if I will get there.  I keep trying, and I don't give up.

What's the Point.....

I ask myself this question on many occasions about what has happened in the past, how does it affect the present, and what is the purpose for the future.  Sometimes I feel like there has to be some higher purpose for everything I went through.  I often fall back on the test of Job - we keep our faith when things go wrong and don't make sense.  Instead of moving away from God, we move closer to God, because that is the best remedy for getting the demons out of our world, and if we can keep our faith and trust in God through difficult times, and move closer to Him instead of away from Him, then when the thunderstorm in our lives are over, we come out better, stronger, and now we can help others.

All of this sounds good in theory, but quite frankly, there are times when I just get depressed.  PTSD cost me my relationships with my family and friends.  I live and work alone because of it.  I have a great deal of difficulty meeting people and making new friends because of it.  Even though I have overcome most of the original grip PTSD had on my psyche and soul for so many years, it still has left an aftermath of broken relationships with family friends, loss of my home, my possessions, my career, my education, essentially, so many things I had worked for that if I didn't have PTSD gripping my soul and my brain, what would my life have been like in that case.  What would have been different.  I am going to be 50 in a couple of weeks and I look back at the damage that PTSD did to my life and the life of everybody around me that was close to me, and it's damage that can't be undone. All of that is very depressing for me.

My mother was playing Chinese Checkers with me one day and she always beat me at that game.  I couldn't figure out why, but she always won whenever we played.  It was a fun game and an excuse for us to bond when I was a kid.  I remember one day when we were playing I asked her how it is that she always wins, and she didn't answer right away.  However, there was a point in the game a few minutes later when I moved one of my pieces one step backwards.  When I did that, she said to me, "don't do that."  I said, "what do you mean?"  She said, "don't move backwards.  Always move forward.  Every step you take, you always move forward, you never look back.  Not just here, in life.  Always look forward, and never look back."  So then, I changed my move.  I moved a piece forward.  She said to me, "good.  That's right. That's how you win."

I take that advice to heart and I apply it to my life when I think about the past and trying to make sense of it all.  I fall back on the advice of my mother in the game of Chinese Checkers and in life.  "Never look back.  Always move forward."  I didn't realize it at that time, but she was giving me a life lesson.  She was, and still is, a great mom.

Milo Yannipoulos Speaks Out, and then, Caves In, to Sexual Abuse Cover-Up Culture

Milo Yannipoulos was an editor of Breitbart, a conservative online news outlet.  Steve Bannon, who was with Brietbart news, is now in President Donald Trump's cabinet as one of his advisors.  Milo lost Simon and Schuster as the original publisher of his upcoming book because he made comments that seemed to endorse pedophilia.  He said that a mature 13 year old boy with an adult male is not pedophilia.  After the backlash he received from losing Simon and Schuster publishers and the backlash from the mainstream media, he came out in a press conference and admitted that he was a gay man and he was sexually abused by two men when he was 13, one of them being a priest, and he did not realize that what happened to him was, in fact, abuse, until now.  He was dealing with the feelings from his abuse with his rhetoric that was not intended to hurt or affect other abuse victims. He resigned from Breitbart. 

It is not uncommon for sexual abuse victims to overcompensate for their abuse by saying they consented, they were in control, it was their choice, or that it wasn't abuse.  Having to face the reality that someone who was in a position of authority with a predatory mentality took advantage of one's trust and innocence is very difficult to manage.  I am speaking from experience.  It took a very long time for me to admit that I was too nieve and too trusting of predatory people who took advantage, because then I feel that it means that what happened was somehow my fault.  Should've Could've Would've is Monday morning quarterbacking.  So easy to see after the fact.

Milo said in his press conference that he is moving away from conservative news reporting and starting a new website to give him an outlet for entertainment rhetoric.  I admire Milo's bravery in speaking up about his survival of sexual abuse and putting it out there.  I don't even have the guts to come out of my shell as the author of this blog.  I have found that when I have tried to tell people what has happened to me I am treated like a disease that someone might catch - the "abuse" disease.  It doesn't help a survivor of abuse to feel alienated or rejected by others or to feel like the survivor said or did something wrong to affect someone else.  Milo showed alot of emotional strength with this press conference.

Perhaps if all survivors of abuse came out and spoke collectively it can come to a stop and addressed for future generations.  Easier said than done.  There is a cover-up culture that has to change, and it is like trying to pull a dinosaur or an elephant with a rope to make that happen.  The first step, at a minimum, is to not feel alone.  Hopefully that can change.  Maybe this blog can help with that.  Posting all of these well-known personalities like Rhianna, Marie Osmond, and Milo Yannipoulos clearly establishes that it affects all genders, all ages, all races, all income levels, and it has been going on for decades, and for all of the outspeaks by social justice warriors on the left and Trump supporters on the right, the problem of sexual abuse, rape trauma syndrome, and post-traumatic stress disorder is a plague destroying civilized society, and it is still swept under the rug with the delusion that somehow if people continue to put their heads in the sand like ostriches and never discuss it, it will go away.  Not true.  There has to be a change.  Complacency and cover-up is not the answer.