What's the Point.....

I ask myself this question on many occasions about what has happened in the past, how does it affect the present, and what is the purpose for the future.  Sometimes I feel like there has to be some higher purpose for everything I went through.  I often fall back on the test of Job - we keep our faith when things go wrong and don't make sense.  Instead of moving away from God, we move closer to God, because that is the best remedy for getting the demons out of our world, and if we can keep our faith and trust in God through difficult times, and move closer to Him instead of away from Him, then when the thunderstorm in our lives are over, we come out better, stronger, and now we can help others.

All of this sounds good in theory, but quite frankly, there are times when I just get depressed.  PTSD cost me my relationships with my family and friends.  I live and work alone because of it.  I have a great deal of difficulty meeting people and making new friends because of it.  Even though I have overcome most of the original grip PTSD had on my psyche and soul for so many years, it still has left an aftermath of broken relationships with family friends, loss of my home, my possessions, my career, my education, essentially, so many things I had worked for that if I didn't have PTSD gripping my soul and my brain, what would my life have been like in that case.  What would have been different.  I am going to be 50 in a couple of weeks and I look back at the damage that PTSD did to my life and the life of everybody around me that was close to me, and it's damage that can't be undone. All of that is very depressing for me.

My mother was playing Chinese Checkers with me one day and she always beat me at that game.  I couldn't figure out why, but she always won whenever we played.  It was a fun game and an excuse for us to bond when I was a kid.  I remember one day when we were playing I asked her how it is that she always wins, and she didn't answer right away.  However, there was a point in the game a few minutes later when I moved one of my pieces one step backwards.  When I did that, she said to me, "don't do that."  I said, "what do you mean?"  She said, "don't move backwards.  Always move forward.  Every step you take, you always move forward, you never look back.  Not just here, in life.  Always look forward, and never look back."  So then, I changed my move.  I moved a piece forward.  She said to me, "good.  That's right. That's how you win."

I take that advice to heart and I apply it to my life when I think about the past and trying to make sense of it all.  I fall back on the advice of my mother in the game of Chinese Checkers and in life.  "Never look back.  Always move forward."  I didn't realize it at that time, but she was giving me a life lesson.  She was, and still is, a great mom.

The Challenge of Building Relationships

I took a long break from writing because just the few entries I had posted were very, very tough for me.  That being said, I read my entries now, a few months later, and they really did make me feel better.  I hope that anyone who is suffering from PTSD or RTS like me will feel safe and validated with my entries here.  If this blog helps even one person, it will be very worthwhile for me.

I have had to face a few realities to understand how all of this happened to me in the first place.  First, I will be clear that I have evolved past the "its my fault" blame game garbage guilt shame crap that was plaguing me for a very long time.  Nothing that happened to me is my fault.  I do not feel guilty about anything.  I have nothing to be ashamed of at all.  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

Instead of guilt, shame, or regret, I have realized that what I really need to do is learn from it.  Here is what I have learned.  First, some background.

Both my parents were extremely intelligent, and, I believe, tried to love me in their own way as best they could.  They did do alot of things right despite their shortcomings and I am grateful for all of the things they did right.  I believe I have the strength and work ethic to face impossible situations and my intelligence and determination and drive because of my parents, so for all of that, I am grateful.

My parents were very giving people in that they gave alot to others, including their children like me, while expecting little to nothing in return.  I do think that this was a contributing factor to me allowing people to just trample all over me and not stand up for myself.  Many of the abuses that have happened to me - they happened because I had no training from my parents on how to stand up and not take crap from people.  I realized that I had to learn to figure this out myself, but even now, 30 years later, I find it to be a challenge.

At first, I went into hyper-bitch mode and just didn't trust anybody and was guarded with everybody. This was a perfect solution to keeping people from hurting me, but it also resulted in isolation and bad feelings about me with others.  So, I realized that was not the right approach either.  I had to find a mid-way point between doormat and ice bitch.  I think I still struggle with this, but not as much as before.  I call my optimum midway point "nice person, cool chick" but nice doesn't mean doormat or fool.  If I feel that I am being trampled on or abused or taken advantage of or played for a doormat fool, I stand up.  I say, "no more".  I assert myself.  I set boundaries and say, "unacceptable.  I deserve better than this."  I also will go into hyper-ice bitch mode if it is necessary.  Having this approach has proven to be somewhat effective, but, it is a balance.  When to be nice?  When to be assertive?  When to come out swinging?  When to sit and wait?  So much to think about, and because it is not natural behavior for me, it is constantly in my front conscious mind.  However, through trial and error, and, from studying Tony Robbins and personality types and personality conflicts and building relationships, etc., I get better and better every day.

However, that being said, I live alone and work alone.  I should be grateful for the freedom.  I am grateful for the freedom in alot of ways, but I am still facing the challenge of building relationships and having people in my life I can love and trust.  Tony Robbins says that we have six basic human needs, and our behavior is driven to meet these needs.  Those six needs are:  certainty, uncertainty (variety), connection/love, significance, growth, contribution.  I believe that the need of connection/love is not being met at all for me.  It is a huge challenge given what I have been through.

It's okay.  I have also learned to be nice to myself, forgive myself, take one step at a time, and focus on just the next step.  Forget the past, the future, and just focus on the present, now, and ask myself, "what is the next step?".  Sometimes, just keeping a focus on next helps to move forward.  Breaking things down into small steps is very helpful.

I have made alot of progress, but I still have alot left to do.  I will, one step at a time, one day at a time.  It will work out.  It will be okay.  I have faith in the power of God and prayer.

They say that we see God in our darkest hour.  I think, to some degree, this is true.  I think I discovered the meaning of the Lord's Prayer when I was at my darkest hour.  When I understood the Lord's Prayer, really really understood its meaning, it gave me incredible power I didn't know existed.

Our Father, Who Art In Heaven
Hallowed Be Thy Name
Thy Kingdom Come
Thy Will be Done On Earth as It Is In Heaven
Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread
And Forgive Us Our Trespasses
As We Forgive Those Who Trespass Against Us
And Lead Us Not Into Temptation
But Deliver Us From Evil
For Thine is the Kingdom
And The Power
And The Glory Forever
Amen.

I will talk more about the Lord's Prayer in my next blog post.  That's all for now.  More later.