The Function of Blocked Memories

Today I was able to articulate the reasons for blocked memories and why it has not proven to be functional for me to discuss anything about what happened to me in college.

18 rapes is alot to absorb.  That is bad enough.  However, when I reported it to the President of the college, the Dean of the college, college professors, other students, the rape crisis counselor on campus, the psychiatrist on campus, and with all of that, nothing was done and I was given nothing to go on for keeping myself safe.  Instead, I was either ignored, or accused of lying, or told that even if it did happen, it was consensual and I "asked for it".

There was also an attitude of "how much of an idiot does she (as in me) have to be to allow that to happen to her?".

I saw a picture of a sign that said, "DON'T GET RAPED".  The picture was redacted to say "DON'T Get RAPEd".

That clearly illustrates the real problem in society.  We tell women "don't get raped" instead of telling men "don't rape".  

Why was a woman raped?  There is only one reason a woman is raped:  it is because a man decided to rape her.  It is that simple.  There is no other explanation.

However, that is somehow dismissed and instead, other explanations for rape besides the obvious in my last sentence are expressed, including, but not limited to, the following:

• she was wearing promiscuous clothing
• she was drinking
• she stayed out late
• she went to a man's apartment or home
• she "asked for it"
• bad sex doesn't equal rape - it is just bad sex "morning after" regret
• she sleeps around
• she is a prostitute
• she is an exotic dancer
• she is a porn star
• she is lying
• she was topless on the beach
• she was flirting with him
• she drunk-dialed him
• she is married to him
• she is his girlfriend or fiance or wife or mistress
• she wrote him love letters
• they're having a lover's quarrel

I could go on and on about the rationalities that are promoted to justify rape or sexual assault.  As you can see, the rationalities promoted to justify rape or sexual assault are all on the woman.  Apparently, men have no responsibility whatsoever to exercise self-control and act as protectors of women and protect women from men who want to rape or sexually assault them.

My generation was socialized into believing that protective men are bad people.  We were socialized into believing that women are supposed to spit on men who try to protect them and embrace men who promote their sexual promiscuous behaviors under the pretext that sexual promiscuity is feminine independence.

I have put the feminist movement into two categories:  the suffrage movement feminists and the baby boomer feminists.

The Suffrage Movement Feminists (SMFs) are advocates for the role of men as protectors and providers for their wives and children and advocates for restraint from promiscuous behavior.  The Suffrage Movement Feminists believe that the role of men is to protect women from rapists and sexual assaulters and make sure rapists and sexual assaulters are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

The Baby Boomer Feminists (BBFs) are very different.  BBFs spit on men who serve as protectors and providers for their wives and children claiming that those men are oppressive.  BBFs don't want men to open doors for women or carry heavy things for them.  BBFs encourage women to be sexually promiscuous and encourage multiple partners and to lay topless on the beach and burn their bras under the guise of a "sexual revolution" for women to have sexual freedom.  

BBFs do not advocate for the prosecution of rapists or sexual assaulters.  Instead, BBFs advocate for women to murder their children with abortions if they get an unwanted preganancy from a rape and allow the rapists and sexual assaulters to run around free without consequence to create more unwanted pregnanacies in the future.  

What is most disturbing is BBFs' efforts to take Second Amendment Rights away from women so that they cannot defend themselves from rapists or sexual assaulters.  BBFs also want to take Second Amendment Rights away from men so that men cannot protect women from rapists or sexual assaulters either.  Promotion of sexually promiscuous behavior without consequence keeps Planned Parenthood busy which funds the Baby Boomer Feminists in the Democrat party.

My realization that I was played by these people is why I left the left.  I consider myself a Suffrage Movement Feminist and denounce the Baby Boomer Feminist movement that promotes rape culture for Planned Parenthood slush funds that line the pockets of Baby Boomer Feminists led by Hillary Clinton and the other women in the Democrat party that have pushed the women's movement backward instead of forward through the advocacy of rape culture.

The 2020 election was stolen.  Hillary Clinton was on camera pushing the narrative that Joe Biden should not concede no matter what (even if he knows he lost the election) because she had hundreds of lawyers ready to go after Donald Trump.  Joe Biden himself admitted on camera that he would illegally grab the oval office with what he said was the most corrupt election mechanism set up in the history of American Politics that would result in him taking the seat of  President of the United States of America without getting a single vote from any American voters.

This means that BBFs are advocating rape culture, destruction of Second Amendment rights, and, as proven from the stealing of the 2020 election, BBFs do not want women to have the right to vote either.

The millions of women in this country who voted for Donald Trump and voted for Republicans that resulted in a Republican majority in the House and the Senate had their voices silenced at the ballot box in violation of the Constitutional rights to vote that was fought for by the Suffrage Movement Feminists since the 1800s.  Hillary Clinton and her BBFs have trampled on the very right to vote that was fought for by the originators of the Feminist Movement - the Suffragettes who fought for women to be able to vote.

Hillary Clinton and her BBFs have put our country on a trajectory for destruction.  It is terrifying to see what they are doing to our country and our planet.  They are pushing everything that was fought for by our predecessors since the revolutionary war backwards against everything that we stand for as a country.

My 21 year old brain who had never lived away from home could not handle all of this at that age.  The blocked memories are a vital necessity so I can function in this dysfunctional system set up to push the Suffrage Feminist Movement backwards to the stone age with socialization for exploitation of women for the BBFs' own selfish gains.

That's all for now.  More later.

The Healing Power of a Good Cry

Yesterday, I was trying to explain how I was attacked in college.  The question I was asked was, "how many men and what was their race?"

I went into shock and started crying hysterically.  I just could not engage in such a conversation.  I was sick and tired of talking about what happened to me like it was just a news broadcast talking about the weather or some other innocuous dispassionate topic.

I explain what happens to me and all I get is compete indifference.  One of the reasons I have blocked out memories is because the indifference is probably more painful than anything else.  It is bad enough these things happened.  However, the attitude that what happened to me is just another event with such indifference creates a blinding level of emotional hell that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

I didn't answer the stupid question being asked of me.  I simply just started crying non-stop hysterically for about an hour or so.  Maybe longer or shorter, I don't know.  All I know is the tears were flowing and I couldn't stop it.

At some point, something kicks in my brain that there is no answer or solution for any of this and I just have to simply shut it out of my mind and get on with my life.  However, the human mind mapping from this trauma on my brain remains there.

That being said, at least some acknowledgement that something actually happened to me is better than saying nothing happened at all.  

Acknowledgement of the event to prompt a good cry is healthy.  Crying is the body's natural way of eliminating toxins and bad energies.  I found after a healthy cry that I felt better.

We live in a society that condemns expression of emotions like crying.  I don't know why it is like that.  It is not healthy to hold things inside.  Crying is a way to get all the bad stuff out of your system.  If we don't get emotions out of our system in a healthy way through expressions like crying, then they will come out in an unhealthy toxic way, which is not good for anyone.  

That being said, I found it has been difficult for me to have any of the emotions that result from what happened to me because nobody wants to hear about it at all.  The most I can do for expression is an anonymous blog like this one here, and even then, I have a great deal of difficulty expressing myself here, even when I know that there is zero chance of revictimization or guilt or shame that comes from people shutting me up or shutting me out.

I have lived alone and worked alone for several years now.  I simply have no interest or desire to bother with anybody.  People want to dump their issues on me but are oblivious to my issues.  That gets tiring after awhile.  It feels like a one-way street.  

At some point, I decided to just forget about myself altogether and focus on everybody and everything else that has nothing to do with the traumas of my past.  However, even that gets tiring.  I feel like I have a boulder I have been carrying around on my shoulders for 35 years.  Why do we live in a society that promotes crimes against women and children?  How did this happen?  Why do we blame women  for "getting raped" instead of holding men accounting for committing rape?  That is the problem. 

That's all for now.  More later.

I Need To Be Better Than This.....

It was very difficult for me to start this blog, and even more difficult for me to maintain it, primarily because writing about all of this is so painful.  I still can't even write the complete story of exactly what happened to me.  I give generics.  I say I was raped.  I say I was beaten.  I don't give details.  I don't express how I feel.  Most people can't handle it, and if I try to explain anything, they can't absorb what I need to say.  It amazes me how people are so upset listening to me say anything, but yet, I'm supposed to just absorb what happened to me and have "consideration" for "those around me" who are feeling "uncomfortable" about what I want to "say".  Why is that.

I remember I went to a psychologist who was supposed to be a specialist in this sort of thing, and I said to her before I even started speaking, I said, "I don't think you will be able to handle what I need to say..." and she said to me, "Go ahead and tell me what's on your mind.  It will be fine."  She was all wide-eyed and innocent and it was obvious there was no way in hell she was going to be able to handle a session with me.  She was going to just fall apart like a dandelion in the wind.  So, I started to talk, and she couldn't handle it.  She sat there frozen with a deer in the headlights look on her face.  So, I was like, "okay, well, never mind.  I'll find someone else.  Thanks for trying...." and I left.

There was one time when I had a session with a psychologist that was better.  He was able to listen actively and not freak out.  He said to me that I was a "mismatch", in a good way.  He said that with everything that I had been through, my condition of PTSD was so severe that I should be incoherent, on medications, in a psychiatric hospital somewhere, or on suicide watch.  However, I was a mismatch.  I was very highly functional for what I have been through, and he thought that I was exceeding the curve by "millions of miles" and should be proud of that.  That made me feel better.  I have been told that my condition has a 96% suicide rate.  What I like about Tony Robbins is he trained my brain to think bigger and better beyond the box that was being defined for me.  I mean, is it really a mismatch?  Maybe the "mismatch" is the refusal to stay in the box that was built for me by society that says, "you belong in this box - stay there -and don't think you can do better or deserve better."  Why.  Why does that make sense.  It doesn't.  It doesn't make any sense at all.

I need to be better than this. 

Milo Yannipoulos Speaks Out, and then, Caves In, to Sexual Abuse Cover-Up Culture

Milo Yannipoulos was an editor of Breitbart, a conservative online news outlet.  Steve Bannon, who was with Brietbart news, is now in President Donald Trump's cabinet as one of his advisors.  Milo lost Simon and Schuster as the original publisher of his upcoming book because he made comments that seemed to endorse pedophilia.  He said that a mature 13 year old boy with an adult male is not pedophilia.  After the backlash he received from losing Simon and Schuster publishers and the backlash from the mainstream media, he came out in a press conference and admitted that he was a gay man and he was sexually abused by two men when he was 13, one of them being a priest, and he did not realize that what happened to him was, in fact, abuse, until now.  He was dealing with the feelings from his abuse with his rhetoric that was not intended to hurt or affect other abuse victims. He resigned from Breitbart. 

It is not uncommon for sexual abuse victims to overcompensate for their abuse by saying they consented, they were in control, it was their choice, or that it wasn't abuse.  Having to face the reality that someone who was in a position of authority with a predatory mentality took advantage of one's trust and innocence is very difficult to manage.  I am speaking from experience.  It took a very long time for me to admit that I was too nieve and too trusting of predatory people who took advantage, because then I feel that it means that what happened was somehow my fault.  Should've Could've Would've is Monday morning quarterbacking.  So easy to see after the fact.

Milo said in his press conference that he is moving away from conservative news reporting and starting a new website to give him an outlet for entertainment rhetoric.  I admire Milo's bravery in speaking up about his survival of sexual abuse and putting it out there.  I don't even have the guts to come out of my shell as the author of this blog.  I have found that when I have tried to tell people what has happened to me I am treated like a disease that someone might catch - the "abuse" disease.  It doesn't help a survivor of abuse to feel alienated or rejected by others or to feel like the survivor said or did something wrong to affect someone else.  Milo showed alot of emotional strength with this press conference.

Perhaps if all survivors of abuse came out and spoke collectively it can come to a stop and addressed for future generations.  Easier said than done.  There is a cover-up culture that has to change, and it is like trying to pull a dinosaur or an elephant with a rope to make that happen.  The first step, at a minimum, is to not feel alone.  Hopefully that can change.  Maybe this blog can help with that.  Posting all of these well-known personalities like Rhianna, Marie Osmond, and Milo Yannipoulos clearly establishes that it affects all genders, all ages, all races, all income levels, and it has been going on for decades, and for all of the outspeaks by social justice warriors on the left and Trump supporters on the right, the problem of sexual abuse, rape trauma syndrome, and post-traumatic stress disorder is a plague destroying civilized society, and it is still swept under the rug with the delusion that somehow if people continue to put their heads in the sand like ostriches and never discuss it, it will go away.  Not true.  There has to be a change.  Complacency and cover-up is not the answer.