The Healing Power of a Good Cry

Yesterday, I was trying to explain how I was attacked in college.  The question I was asked was, "how many men and what was their race?"

I went into shock and started crying hysterically.  I just could not engage in such a conversation.  I was sick and tired of talking about what happened to me like it was just a news broadcast talking about the weather or some other innocuous dispassionate topic.

I explain what happens to me and all I get is compete indifference.  One of the reasons I have blocked out memories is because the indifference is probably more painful than anything else.  It is bad enough these things happened.  However, the attitude that what happened to me is just another event with such indifference creates a blinding level of emotional hell that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

I didn't answer the stupid question being asked of me.  I simply just started crying non-stop hysterically for about an hour or so.  Maybe longer or shorter, I don't know.  All I know is the tears were flowing and I couldn't stop it.

At some point, something kicks in my brain that there is no answer or solution for any of this and I just have to simply shut it out of my mind and get on with my life.  However, the human mind mapping from this trauma on my brain remains there.

That being said, at least some acknowledgement that something actually happened to me is better than saying nothing happened at all.  

Acknowledgement of the event to prompt a good cry is healthy.  Crying is the body's natural way of eliminating toxins and bad energies.  I found after a healthy cry that I felt better.

We live in a society that condemns expression of emotions like crying.  I don't know why it is like that.  It is not healthy to hold things inside.  Crying is a way to get all the bad stuff out of your system.  If we don't get emotions out of our system in a healthy way through expressions like crying, then they will come out in an unhealthy toxic way, which is not good for anyone.  

That being said, I found it has been difficult for me to have any of the emotions that result from what happened to me because nobody wants to hear about it at all.  The most I can do for expression is an anonymous blog like this one here, and even then, I have a great deal of difficulty expressing myself here, even when I know that there is zero chance of revictimization or guilt or shame that comes from people shutting me up or shutting me out.

I have lived alone and worked alone for several years now.  I simply have no interest or desire to bother with anybody.  People want to dump their issues on me but are oblivious to my issues.  That gets tiring after awhile.  It feels like a one-way street.  

At some point, I decided to just forget about myself altogether and focus on everybody and everything else that has nothing to do with the traumas of my past.  However, even that gets tiring.  I feel like I have a boulder I have been carrying around on my shoulders for 35 years.  Why do we live in a society that promotes crimes against women and children?  How did this happen?  Why do we blame women  for "getting raped" instead of holding men accounting for committing rape?  That is the problem. 

That's all for now.  More later.

No Guilt and No Shame

Anything wrong having to do with sex has been "blamed" on women since Moses wrote the books of the Bible, and this "blame game" just exacerbates the issue.  One out of every three women has been or will be attacked on a college campus.  That's a staggering number.  Sexual assault and domestic violence have been on the rise for decades, and nothing has been done.  The sexual assaulters in college are told by the leaders on campus that it is okay and there are no consequences for their attacks against women.

These men leave college to become the sexual harassers of women in management positions and the wife beaters in their families.  We have a society that says all of it is okay, except, talking about it.  Sweep it under the rug and pretend nothing happened.

We have to change the culture.  We have to have a new attitude.  We have to speak up and put a stop to the insanity.

I really believe that the New Testament and Christ addressed the problem of the treatment of women in the Old Testament.  Christ brought a revolutionary message for women to be treated with dignity, respect, and a pathway for healing from guilt and shame regardless of sins of the past, whether they were sins that were put upon women or sins that were committed by women themselves, or both.  There is a lot of depth behind the phrase of Jesus, which says, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone."  Christ recognized that sins about sex that were put 100% on the women for the blame did not happen in a vacuum without men.  When Christ was approached by men, who threw Mary Magdalene in front of Christ and said that she was a prostitute who had sex with married men for money, Christ said to those men, "he who is without sin, cast the first stone."  Nobody cast the first stone.  They dropped their stones and left.  Christ then said to Mary Magdalene, ".....I do not condemn you...."  Christ also cast out the seven demons of Mary Magdalene.  I believe that the "seven demons" is what we call post-traumatic stress disorder and rape trauma syndrome today.  Language 2000 years ago, I suspect, could not communicate these ideas like we do today.  Mary Magdalene was Christ's closest disciple.  For me, the key to salvation is through Christ's message, and the Bible doesn't give us the complete message if we only look at the Old Testament and we forget about the message of Christ with Mary Magdalene.  Christ heals.

What's the Point.....

I ask myself this question on many occasions about what has happened in the past, how does it affect the present, and what is the purpose for the future.  Sometimes I feel like there has to be some higher purpose for everything I went through.  I often fall back on the test of Job - we keep our faith when things go wrong and don't make sense.  Instead of moving away from God, we move closer to God, because that is the best remedy for getting the demons out of our world, and if we can keep our faith and trust in God through difficult times, and move closer to Him instead of away from Him, then when the thunderstorm in our lives are over, we come out better, stronger, and now we can help others.

All of this sounds good in theory, but quite frankly, there are times when I just get depressed.  PTSD cost me my relationships with my family and friends.  I live and work alone because of it.  I have a great deal of difficulty meeting people and making new friends because of it.  Even though I have overcome most of the original grip PTSD had on my psyche and soul for so many years, it still has left an aftermath of broken relationships with family friends, loss of my home, my possessions, my career, my education, essentially, so many things I had worked for that if I didn't have PTSD gripping my soul and my brain, what would my life have been like in that case.  What would have been different.  I am going to be 50 in a couple of weeks and I look back at the damage that PTSD did to my life and the life of everybody around me that was close to me, and it's damage that can't be undone. All of that is very depressing for me.

My mother was playing Chinese Checkers with me one day and she always beat me at that game.  I couldn't figure out why, but she always won whenever we played.  It was a fun game and an excuse for us to bond when I was a kid.  I remember one day when we were playing I asked her how it is that she always wins, and she didn't answer right away.  However, there was a point in the game a few minutes later when I moved one of my pieces one step backwards.  When I did that, she said to me, "don't do that."  I said, "what do you mean?"  She said, "don't move backwards.  Always move forward.  Every step you take, you always move forward, you never look back.  Not just here, in life.  Always look forward, and never look back."  So then, I changed my move.  I moved a piece forward.  She said to me, "good.  That's right. That's how you win."

I take that advice to heart and I apply it to my life when I think about the past and trying to make sense of it all.  I fall back on the advice of my mother in the game of Chinese Checkers and in life.  "Never look back.  Always move forward."  I didn't realize it at that time, but she was giving me a life lesson.  She was, and still is, a great mom.

The Challenge of Building Relationships

I took a long break from writing because just the few entries I had posted were very, very tough for me.  That being said, I read my entries now, a few months later, and they really did make me feel better.  I hope that anyone who is suffering from PTSD or RTS like me will feel safe and validated with my entries here.  If this blog helps even one person, it will be very worthwhile for me.

I have had to face a few realities to understand how all of this happened to me in the first place.  First, I will be clear that I have evolved past the "its my fault" blame game garbage guilt shame crap that was plaguing me for a very long time.  Nothing that happened to me is my fault.  I do not feel guilty about anything.  I have nothing to be ashamed of at all.  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

Instead of guilt, shame, or regret, I have realized that what I really need to do is learn from it.  Here is what I have learned.  First, some background.

Both my parents were extremely intelligent, and, I believe, tried to love me in their own way as best they could.  They did do alot of things right despite their shortcomings and I am grateful for all of the things they did right.  I believe I have the strength and work ethic to face impossible situations and my intelligence and determination and drive because of my parents, so for all of that, I am grateful.

My parents were very giving people in that they gave alot to others, including their children like me, while expecting little to nothing in return.  I do think that this was a contributing factor to me allowing people to just trample all over me and not stand up for myself.  Many of the abuses that have happened to me - they happened because I had no training from my parents on how to stand up and not take crap from people.  I realized that I had to learn to figure this out myself, but even now, 30 years later, I find it to be a challenge.

At first, I went into hyper-bitch mode and just didn't trust anybody and was guarded with everybody. This was a perfect solution to keeping people from hurting me, but it also resulted in isolation and bad feelings about me with others.  So, I realized that was not the right approach either.  I had to find a mid-way point between doormat and ice bitch.  I think I still struggle with this, but not as much as before.  I call my optimum midway point "nice person, cool chick" but nice doesn't mean doormat or fool.  If I feel that I am being trampled on or abused or taken advantage of or played for a doormat fool, I stand up.  I say, "no more".  I assert myself.  I set boundaries and say, "unacceptable.  I deserve better than this."  I also will go into hyper-ice bitch mode if it is necessary.  Having this approach has proven to be somewhat effective, but, it is a balance.  When to be nice?  When to be assertive?  When to come out swinging?  When to sit and wait?  So much to think about, and because it is not natural behavior for me, it is constantly in my front conscious mind.  However, through trial and error, and, from studying Tony Robbins and personality types and personality conflicts and building relationships, etc., I get better and better every day.

However, that being said, I live alone and work alone.  I should be grateful for the freedom.  I am grateful for the freedom in alot of ways, but I am still facing the challenge of building relationships and having people in my life I can love and trust.  Tony Robbins says that we have six basic human needs, and our behavior is driven to meet these needs.  Those six needs are:  certainty, uncertainty (variety), connection/love, significance, growth, contribution.  I believe that the need of connection/love is not being met at all for me.  It is a huge challenge given what I have been through.

It's okay.  I have also learned to be nice to myself, forgive myself, take one step at a time, and focus on just the next step.  Forget the past, the future, and just focus on the present, now, and ask myself, "what is the next step?".  Sometimes, just keeping a focus on next helps to move forward.  Breaking things down into small steps is very helpful.

I have made alot of progress, but I still have alot left to do.  I will, one step at a time, one day at a time.  It will work out.  It will be okay.  I have faith in the power of God and prayer.

They say that we see God in our darkest hour.  I think, to some degree, this is true.  I think I discovered the meaning of the Lord's Prayer when I was at my darkest hour.  When I understood the Lord's Prayer, really really understood its meaning, it gave me incredible power I didn't know existed.

Our Father, Who Art In Heaven
Hallowed Be Thy Name
Thy Kingdom Come
Thy Will be Done On Earth as It Is In Heaven
Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread
And Forgive Us Our Trespasses
As We Forgive Those Who Trespass Against Us
And Lead Us Not Into Temptation
But Deliver Us From Evil
For Thine is the Kingdom
And The Power
And The Glory Forever
Amen.

I will talk more about the Lord's Prayer in my next blog post.  That's all for now.  More later.

Tony Robbins Cured my PTSD (Really? Yes Really...)

Does that heading look totally crazy?  Before I experienced the breakthrough that cured my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I would have said the same thing.  I will explain to you how the cure happened, but first, I need to explain the background of my condition.  If you have PTSD, then this probably will look familiar to you.

After 27 years of going to therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, in and out of psychiatric hospitals, on and off of psychiatric medications, and still no relief, it seemed like PTSD was the unwanted roommate that moved into my soul and was here to stay forever. 

   

I had a psychiatrist describe me as a "mismatch". What he read in my file suggested that I should not be even coherent enough to walk or talk or do anything, let along have a job or work.  I should be drugged up on medications in a psych ward somewhere on disability unable to function.  

I had a counselor tell me that my condition of PTSD was so severe it had a 96% suicide rate and therefore, if I was waking up alive and breathing and I did not kill myself that day, then it was a good day.  That was the most that I could hope for with my condition.

I was also told by psychiatrists and counselors that I could never be 100% better. I was told that I would go through the stages of grief - denial, acknowledgement, anger, sadness, acceptance. The best I could hope for was acceptance, but that would be as good as it gets.The idea that I could actually be 100% better and whole again was an idea I should not waste my time on considering.

For the past 27 years, I would wake up and feel like there was a giant boulder in my chest that I had to push uphill. That was a good day.  Other days I'd have triggers and flashbacks with adrenaline going 1000 mph through my system with blinding emotional pain that would paralyze me to the point that I couldn't function.  I didn't understand why this was as good as it gets and I had to just accept it.

Up until recently, before I learned about Tony Robbins methods, I operated on sheer will power, drive, and prayer.  But it was always like pushing a boulder uphill. I would tell myself to be a warrior and fight the internal currents and plow through anyways.  This was very helpful to a point.  The sheer determination and stubborn refusal to give up or give in to these PTSD emotions at least got me ahead of the curve to be able to function to a certain point.

This was not without any consequences, however.  I still had moments where the will to keep going just wasn't there and I couldn't muster it up no matter how hard I tried and in 2008, I tried to commit suicide but I had a friend who was there and he stopped me from doing it.  He shipped me to a psychiatric hospital and they treated me, for which I was grateful.  That was probably my lowest point.  Then I went through counseling and psychiatric meds and all of that was helpful too.  The meds helped me to get a glimpse of what normal felt like, and the counseling at least acknowledged my extreme emotional pain and suffering, so that was helpful also. 

I then had good days and bad days and I kept the good fight going but ultimately, it was still always there and always something I had to negotiate with every waking minute of my life, but the good news was that it had gone from almost killing me to a lower volume level of being an annoyance, like a dull pain that never goes away but I just got used to it.  I think that was the "acceptance" phase I had been told about by the counselors.

So every day I was always looking for ways to get better.  I still had hope that somehow I was fixable.  It was well known that some people had PTSD, but others who were exposed to similar traumatic events didn't develop PTSD at all.  So, what was going on there?  If it really was all scientific and final, then PTSD should develop in everyone who gets an exposure to trauma, not just some and not others.  That fact alone told me that there was something I was missing.  Something I needed to figure out to be free of PTSD and not have it come back, just like the people who had exposure to traumas and never developed PTSD.  What were they thinking or doing that I wasn't?

One day I was watching a Tony Robbins video discussing how to change one's emotional state.  I was fascinated with the idea that I could change my emotional state with my control by my rules.  That is the frustration with PTSD.  It feels like it just comes up whenever it wants and I have to battle it all the time.  

In the video, Tony Robbins explains that you can change your emotional state by doing two things.  First, motion changes emotion.  In other words, get up and move around, walk around, exercise, run, do something to move your body.  When you move your body, think about how you move when you are confident and you have had a great victory and you're on top of the world.  Move like you're in that emotional state.  When you move like you're happy and enthusiastic and on top of the world and victorious and confident, the emotional state comes with the body movements.  I tried this and I found it to be true.  It did work and helped me to feel alot better.

Second, and this is where the big breakthrough happened for me, is changing your core story.  Core story?  What is that?  Well, Tony Robbins explains that everybody has a story that they are running on that controls everything the person is thinking and feeling.  So, if you can figure out your core story then you can rewrite your core story and change your emotional state.

It sounded so trite and silly.  It can't be that simple.  But I was willing to try anything to not feel this way anymore, so I tried it.

I wrote my old core story.  And then I wrote my new core story.  When I did that, I got my breakthrough.  The PTSD storm was gone.  100% gone.  I couldn't believe it.  I had not felt like me with zero PTSD in over 27 years!  I had forgotten what "me" felt like,  And I had all of this energy!! So much energy I didn't know what to do with it!!! IT WAS INCREDIBLE!  

So, I want everybody who is suffering with PTSD to know that there is hope.  Tony Robbins has all the tools you can imagine to help change your emotional state and free you of the grip of your core story that is causing all of your symptoms.  I know its hard to believe, but it can't hurt to try.