Yesterday, I was trying to explain how I was attacked in college. The question I was asked was, "how many men and what was their race?"
I went into shock and started crying hysterically. I just could not engage in such a conversation. I was sick and tired of talking about what happened to me like it was just a news broadcast talking about the weather or some other innocuous dispassionate topic.
I explain what happens to me and all I get is compete indifference. One of the reasons I have blocked out memories is because the indifference is probably more painful than anything else. It is bad enough these things happened. However, the attitude that what happened to me is just another event with such indifference creates a blinding level of emotional hell that I would not wish on my worst enemy.
I didn't answer the stupid question being asked of me. I simply just started crying non-stop hysterically for about an hour or so. Maybe longer or shorter, I don't know. All I know is the tears were flowing and I couldn't stop it.
At some point, something kicks in my brain that there is no answer or solution for any of this and I just have to simply shut it out of my mind and get on with my life. However, the human mind mapping from this trauma on my brain remains there.
That being said, at least some acknowledgement that something actually happened to me is better than saying nothing happened at all.
Acknowledgement of the event to prompt a good cry is healthy. Crying is the body's natural way of eliminating toxins and bad energies. I found after a healthy cry that I felt better.
We live in a society that condemns expression of emotions like crying. I don't know why it is like that. It is not healthy to hold things inside. Crying is a way to get all the bad stuff out of your system. If we don't get emotions out of our system in a healthy way through expressions like crying, then they will come out in an unhealthy toxic way, which is not good for anyone.
That being said, I found it has been difficult for me to have any of the emotions that result from what happened to me because nobody wants to hear about it at all. The most I can do for expression is an anonymous blog like this one here, and even then, I have a great deal of difficulty expressing myself here, even when I know that there is zero chance of revictimization or guilt or shame that comes from people shutting me up or shutting me out.
I have lived alone and worked alone for several years now. I simply have no interest or desire to bother with anybody. People want to dump their issues on me but are oblivious to my issues. That gets tiring after awhile. It feels like a one-way street.
At some point, I decided to just forget about myself altogether and focus on everybody and everything else that has nothing to do with the traumas of my past. However, even that gets tiring. I feel like I have a boulder I have been carrying around on my shoulders for 35 years. Why do we live in a society that promotes crimes against women and children? How did this happen? Why do we blame women for "getting raped" instead of holding men accounting for committing rape? That is the problem.
That's all for now. More later.
