Thursday, September 1, 2016

Marie Osmond Caves into Pressure from Sexual Abuse Cover-Up Culture


I recently saw an interview by Larry King of Marie Osmond.  She admitted to being a victim of sexual abuse (see YouTube video below starting at 2:55).  However, she also said (see YouTube video below starting at 8:38), "I don't want to be the spokesperson for sexual abuse.  I'm talking about post-partum depression."

I guess the question that comes to my mind is, "why not Marie?"  She is one person who could probably rip through the guilt and shame and bring it into the spotlight where it belongs.  I wish she would change her position on this.  It would probably help with her depression, and help many other women with their depression and other conditions like PTSD that are ancillary to sexual abuse.

Marie, you already put it on national television and published it in a book.  33% of the women in this country get it.  Don't backpedal now!  Blaze the path and others will follow.

Here's the interview from YouTube.



Monday, July 18, 2016

Tony Robbins Cured my PTSD (Really? Yes Really...)

Does that heading look totally crazy?  Before I experienced the breakthrough that cured my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I would have said the same thing.  I will explain to you how the cure happened, but first, I need to explain the background of my condition.  If you have PTSD, then this probably will look familiar to you.


After 27 years of going to therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, in and out of psychiatric hospitals, on and off of psychiatric medications, and still no relief, it seemed like PTSD was the unwanted roommate that moved into my soul and was here to stay forever. 
   
I had a psychiatrist describe me as a "mismatch". What he read in my file suggested that I should not be even coherent enough to walk or talk or do anything, let along have a job or work.  I should be drugged up on medications in a psych ward somewhere on disability unable to function.  

I had a counselor tell me that my condition of PTSD was so severe it had a 96% suicide rate and therefore, if I was waking up alive and breathing and I did not kill myself that day, then it was a good day.  That was the most that I could hope for with my condition.

I was also told by psychiatrists and counselors that I could never be 100% better. I was told that I would go through the stages of grief - denial, acknowledgement, anger, sadness, acceptance. The best I could hope for was acceptance, but that would be as good as it gets.The idea that I could actually be 100% better and whole again was an idea I should not waste my time on considering.

For the past 27 years, I would wake up and feel like there was a giant boulder in my chest that I had to push uphill. That was a good day.  Other days I'd have triggers and flashbacks with adrenaline going 1000 mph through my system with blinding emotional pain that would paralyze me to the point that I couldn't function.  I didn't understand why this was as good as it gets and I had to just accept it.

Up until recently, before I learned about Tony Robbins methods, I operated on sheer will power, drive, and prayer.  But it was always like pushing a boulder uphill. I would tell myself to be a warrior and fight the internal currents and plow through anyways.  This was very helpful to a point.  The sheer determination and stubborn refusal to give up or give in to these PTSD emotions at least got me ahead of the curve to be able to function to a certain point.


This was not without any consequences, however.  I still had moments where the will to keep going just wasn't there and I couldn't muster it up no matter how hard I tried and in 2008, I tried to commit suicide but I had a friend who was there and he stopped me from doing it.  He shipped me to a psychiatric hospital and they treated me, for which I was grateful.  That was probably my lowest point.  Then I went through counseling and psychiatric meds and all of that was helpful too.  The meds helped me to get a glimpse of what normal felt like, and the counseling at least acknowledged my extreme emotional pain and suffering, so that was helpful also. 

I then had good days and bad days and I kept the good fight going but ultimately, it was still always there and always something I had to negotiate with every waking minute of my life, but the good news was that it had gone from almost killing me to a lower volume level of being an annoyance, like a dull pain that never goes away but I just got used to it.  I think that was the "acceptance" phase I had been told about by the counselors.

So every day I was always looking for ways to get better.  I still had hope that somehow I was fixable.  It was well known that some people had PTSD, but others who were exposed to similar traumatic events didn't develop PTSD at all.  So, what was going on there?  If it really was all scientific and final, then PTSD should develop in everyone who gets an exposure to trauma, not just some and not others.  That fact alone told me that there was something I was missing.  Something I needed to figure out to be free of PTSD and not have it come back, just like the people who had exposure to traumas and never developed PTSD.  What were they thinking or doing that I wasn't?

One day I was watching a Tony Robbins video discussing how to change one's emotional state.  I was fascinated with the idea that I could change my emotional state with my control by my rules.  That is the frustration with PTSD.  It feels like it just comes up whenever it wants and I have to battle it all the time.  

In the video, Tony Robbins explains that you can change your emotional state by doing two things.  First, motion changes emotion.  In other words, get up and move around, walk around, exercise, run, do something to move your body.  When you move your body, think about how you move when you are confident and you have had a great victory and you're on top of the world.  Move like you're in that emotional state.  When you move like you're happy and enthusiastic and on top of the world and victorious and confident, the emotional state comes with the body movements.  I tried this and I found it to be true.  It did work and helped me to feel alot better.

Second, and this is where the big breakthrough happened for me, is changing your core story.  Core story?  What is that?  Well, Tony Robbins explains that everybody has a story that they are running on that controls everything the person is thinking and feeling.  So, if you can figure out your core story then you can rewrite your core story and change your emotional state.

It sounded so trite and silly.  It can't be that simple.  But I was willing to try anything to not feel this way anymore, so I tried it.

I wrote my old core story.  And then I wrote my new core story.  When I did that, I got my breakthrough.  The PTSD storm was gone.  100% gone.  I couldn't believe it.  I had not felt like me with zero PTSD in over 27 years!  I had forgotten what "me" felt like,  And I had all of this energy!! So much energy I didn't know what to do with it!!! IT WAS INCREDIBLE!  

So, I want everybody who is suffering with PTSD to know that there is hope.  Tony Robbins has all the tools you can imagine to help change your emotional state and free you of the grip of your core story that is causing all of your symptoms.  I know its hard to believe, but it can't hurt to try.  




Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Changing Your State With a New Story

I have been burying myself in videos by Tony Robbins and I have found them to be very helpful.  I have been struggling with PTSD for over twenty-five years.  What I'm about to suggest may come off as trite or silly for someone who has PTSD, but I found it to be very helpful for me, and so by sharing, hopefully, it will be helpful for you.

With PTSD, I get a trigger - like a look or smell of something that reminds me of the trauma of my past, and when that happens, my adrenalin goes 1000 mph with pupils dilated and intense fear and the same painful feelings of imminent death, blinding pain, and extreme fear that I felt at the time of the traumatic events that resulted in the PTSD condition.  Needless to say, it's not fun.

Tony Robbins talks about changing your state.  That this can be done by simply changing the story.  I started to explore this because if I could somehow snap myself out of a PTSD episode and be myself, that level of control over my emotions would be empowering, to say the least.

So, I started to really listen to what was the story that was playing in my mind that was causing the PTSD episode to occur.  There has to be a story playing in my mind that is not making sense, because that story is creating fear and pain and it is the wrong story, because, I'm alone and nothing is happening to me.  The hard part is listening to the story.  It is very hard, but I did manage to figure it out, I think.

The story that was playing in my mind was that whatever happened to me was my fault, and if something like that happens, it is my fault, there is nothing I can do about it, and the only foolproof way to be 100% sure it never happens to me is to trust nobody, go nowhere, wear baggy clothes with no make-up so I don't look interesting or attractive to anyone, and basically, live like a Howard Hughes recluse.  Then I'm safe and everything is okay, except, I have no friends, no family, no love, no connections, and the extent of my relationships is remotely through the Internet, on my cell phone, or by e-mail or, sometimes, video conference calls.  That's it.  What a great life.  Not.

So I began to realize I need a different story.  So, I started to work on it.  I started to come up with a different story.  Easier said than done.  So far, this is what I have come up with for my new story.

First, I said, what happened to me was not my fault.  I trusted someone and that person violated my trust.  The person who violated my trust - that is the person who is at fault, not me.  When I trusted someone to come into my personal space, and I was vulnerable with that person, and that person violated my trust, that person was wrong, not me.  So, I eliminated the belief that whatever happened to me was my fault.  It was not my fault.  That's the first part of the story.

So, the second part of the story is, what can I do to make sure that it doesn't happen again but still have relationships and trust people.  This is much more difficult for me.  I didn't have the answer to this one, but I began to realize that if I didn't have this answer, then I would not have my new story.

I decided that for me, the core of the issue was power.  The first guy who raped me controlled my scholarship.  The second guy who raped me and stalked me controlled my social circles.  My husband controlled me economically and socially and he beat me repeatedly.  All three had one thing in common - power.  I gave them power over me.  That didn't make it a "fault" thing with me.  It's just that I trusted people and gave them power over me and they violated my trust.  Sometimes trusting the right person can be empowering, not a violation of trust.  Synergy can produce amazing results. In my case, I had given my power to the wrong people.

So, what is the solution.  I decided that the solution, is to never give my economic power to anyone or give weight to social circles against my principals ever again.  That way, nobody controls me economically, and I have the power to stand up for myself and find the people who will stand by me when others don't.

So, my new story is this:

What happened to me is not my fault.  I trusted individuals who violated my trust and gave them power over me economically and socially.  I will dedicate the rest of my life to empowering myself economically with better social capital to ensure that what happened to me before never happens again.

So, now I take all of my energy and I dedicate it to building my company and building my social capital with the right network of people who support me professionally and personally.

Everybody has to write their own new story.  The most important elements of your story if you are rewriting your story to overcome PTSD is to make sure your story has two things:  (1) it was not your fault, and (2) you will not give your economic or social power away to anyone ever again.  This will enable you to interact with others but keep your power of choice to change your state on your own by changing the story in your mind.

Try the new story exercise and the next time you're having a PTSD episode, stop and read your story.  See if it helps.  Comment and let me know how it worked for you.  Share your new story.  The more new stories we share, the more we can help each other.  You may have to rewrite your story over and over again.  In fact, I'm not even 100% satisfied with this story, but it's a start, and I find that just giving myself the power to change my story and change my state helps me to feel in control, which is a step in the right direction to putting PTSD in the past where it belongs.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

The Car Accident Inside

I graduated with a 3.7 GPA from a community college in my area and went away to an out of state university on scholarship for my grades and for my accomplishments in speech competition - I won over 30 awards in speech writing and speaking including 4 National Championship awards. I was on top of the world.

When I went away to college, I was harassed, stalked, and attacked repeatedly while I was in school by one individual who had a say in my scholarship, and thereafter, by another who had control in my social circles. I tried to report all of this to officials on campus and to my so-called friends. I was directed to a "rape counselor" on campus. The "rape counselor" met me every day for two weeks and once a week thereafter. Since the counselor was assigned by the school, it led me to believe that the school cared. The school did nothing. They didn't report it to police. They didn't do anything to the predators that made my life hell. I was told by everyone I spoke to that it was somehow my fault because I had asked for it because I was too friendly, too trusting, I dressed too nicely, etc. The counselor said nothing and just sat there and listened and offered absolutely no help or advice. I might as well have been talking to a wall. Finally after a few months when stopped going, the "rape counselor" blew up my phone and started speaking to me, but even then, she never told me to go to police or report anything, she just told me to keep coming and talking to her like a wall. In hindsight, I believe she was planted by the university to gather information to use against me if I ever did decide to sue the school. They were just doing what they thought was necessary to insulate themselves from liability, not to protect me as a student.

I was confused. I thought somehow the predators were right and I was wrong. The predators had a lot of clout on campus. I was the newcomer transfer student. I was also lonely and wanted to have friends and fit in. With a social structure and university structure and everybody and everything in my world at that time saying that I was wrong and they were right, it affected me.

I stopped eating, I experienced severe depression where I slept for days, I couldn't read my textbooks or hear anything in class. I ended up in the hospital when I passed out from starvation and dehydration because I never left bed and never ate. The doctor diagnosed me with anorexia and they fed me and gave me water intravenously until I was better. People thought I had a body image issue. I didn't. I just wanted to disappear.

When my grades died, I lost my scholarship. I went from a 3.7 GPA and 30 awards in speech competition, to being a college dropout and developing a stuttering problem. I had reported what had happened to me to the dean of the liberal arts college where I was a student, the president of the entire university, a "rape counselor" and "psychiatrist" on campus, other students. Nothing. Nobody heard me. Nobody cared.

I dropped out of school and came home a college dropout. I had failed myself and my family.

I have been fighting Rape Trauma Syndrome and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder my whole adult life. I have been through the PTSD machine. Angry outbursts, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, nightmares, inabilities to concentrate, psychiatric hospitals in-patient admissions, loss of family and friends, isolation, fear. Most of all, fear. Fear that never goes away and never ends and is there 24/7.

The one thing that was never taken away from me was my desire to learn. I felt like everything else had been taken away from me but my desire to learn, and the knowledge from it, was never taken away. It was the one thing the predators never took from me: my desire to learn, my work ethic, my determination, and my refusal to be defined by a college degree, a college institution, institutions in general, family, and friends. Needless to say, it is alot to stand up against, but I have also learned that faith and prayer and God on my side has given me strength to accomplish and do amazing things I never thought I could do.

My PTSD is so severe I can't even go near a college campus without experiencing severe PTSD symptoms making it impossible for me to function, let alone finish school.

What could my life have been if I could have gone to college free of rape, harassment and stalking. Why are these luxuries and not fundamental rights based on common sense and the basic tenets of a civilized western society.

I'm doing the work I love in the field I love. It took a very long time for me to get to this point, but I am here. I just wish that I could have finished the education I was supposed to finish.

I am writing with the hope that it will help others to understand the long-term effects of this rape culture on college campus. Women are damaged and denied education, but that's not even the worst part. What is most disturbing is that institutions of learning are teaching young men that rape, harassment, and sexual assault is okay. The rapists, harrassers, and sexual assaulters on the campuses of today will be in key positions of management and authority in the workplace and will carry what they learned in college to the workplace with continued harassment, sexual assault, and rape against women in the workplace and at home. The colleges are integrating rape, harassment, and assault into the fabric of our mainstream society as acceptable.

My Split Personality Life

I really hate having to stay anonymous for this blog. After all, what did I do wrong. I don't have anything to be ashamed of, right? Sounds good in theory, but reality doesn't work that way. In reality, when I have tried to express what happened to me and my frustrations about it, I have been hit with, at a minimum, an undertone of "you asked for it" attitude. It's so ridiculous. Saying that I asked to be raped is like saying somebody asked to get in a car accident or asked to be mugged. Nobody asks for it, and if somebody is in a car accident or gets mugged, the first priority is never blaming the person with an "I told you so" attitude. The first priority is to make sure the car accident victim or mugging victim is okay, and then focus on future prevention.

The problem with Rape Trauma Syndrome and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is that the car accident is on the inside and nobody can see it. On the outside, I look fine. I look okay. I don't have any physical broken bones. My body is not splattered all over the pavement from getting hit by a bus or a train. However, what happens on the inside, that's another story. My soul is shattered, my psyche is shattered, everything internal is a giant broken mess, and the damage doesn't go away. It's not like I can just take a nap or a vacation and come back repaired. RTS and PTSD do not work that way. They are like unwelcome roommates that just show up in your soul and move in and stay there. And, they just take over everything and kick you to the curb. As a result, I experience intense fear when I don't want to or need to. I experience nightmares, flashbacks, difficulty concentrating, and it never ends. The only reason that I can even start this blog is because I have had this condition for over 20 years and maturity, time, psychiatric drugs, therapy, and attention to diet, sleep and exercise, and the power of prayer and belief in God to give me strength I didn't even know I had, all of that, has made it possible for me to even talk about it.

I couldn't even talk about what happened to me without experiencing extreme blinding emotions that made it impossible for me to function. The solution for me was to just avoid whatever was causing the trigger/flashback: in my case, drop out of college.

For a long time, I felt like I was a wimp. I mean, so something happened to me. Why can't I just forget about it and move on. Why can't I just put it in the past and leave it there? That's how it should be, but that's not how it works. I wish it did. I wish I could forget everything and just start over somewhere else. PTSD and RTS, the unwanted roommates, won't let that happen.

So, at this point, I started this blog mainly because I discovered recently that when I committed my thoughts to paper without any fear or repercussions of what somebody would say or do with my words, it helped me to feel better. It helped me to recall some memories as just memories without the blinding emotional pain.

That made me realize that I could just start an anonymous blog for my streams of consciousness, and who knows, maybe other women who have been through what I have been through can get some sort of validation or catharsis from what I'm saying, since I suspect every women who has been through this is keeping quiet and trying to pretend nothing happened just like me.

So, I will write about what happened and my thoughts about it, but in reality, I still continue to slap a smile on my face and act like my world is perfect and nothing happened. I have yet to understand why this society is so terrified of a discussion about rape but so indifferent to the victims of it. It baffles me to this day.