The Courage of Convictions

It is easier said than done, but having the courage to stand by convictions of truth that you know you are speaking when surrounded by people who find your truths to be uncomfortable or have an agenda to shut you up and shut you down makes life even harder than it is already.

When I was in my 20s, I didn't have the courage of conviction that I have now in my 50s.  In my 20s, when I tried to speak about anything that had happened to me, I was told that I was either lying or I deserved it and I didn't have the courage of conviction to stand up for my truth.  It was too difficult because I was too young.  

However, even now, over 30 years later, when I am in my 50s, I have yet to find someone to just say that what happened to me was wrong, I didn't deserve it, and to say that he/she is sorry it happened to me.

I have spoken to friends, co-workers, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, family, etc.  I went through a revolving door of being in and out of psychiatric hospitals and on and off of psychiatric meds.  In all of this so called "help", nobody has ever said that I was not to blame for what happened to me.  Nobody.

I was speaking to the "school therapist" at the college where these 4th Amendment rights atrocities occurred to me.  That so-called "therapist" (a Quack as far as I am concerned) never once ever said that whatever happened to me was not my fault.  I used to wonder about that, and then as I got older and studied liability law, I figured it out.

The school-appointed therapist will never tell you that you are not at fault.  If she (or he) does, then it exposes the school to liability.  She is there to insulate the school from liability.  She does not give a crap about the students who are there for genuine help.  It is a big scam, and I fell into it thinking that these people actually were there for me.  They weren't.

The Necessary Shift from Blame to Support

 

The Function of Blocked Memories

Today I was able to articulate the reasons for blocked memories and why it has not proven to be functional for me to discuss anything about what happened to me in college.

18 rapes is alot to absorb.  That is bad enough.  However, when I reported it to the President of the college, the Dean of the college, college professors, other students, the rape crisis counselor on campus, the psychiatrist on campus, and with all of that, nothing was done and I was given nothing to go on for keeping myself safe.  Instead, I was either ignored, or accused of lying, or told that even if it did happen, it was consensual and I "asked for it".

There was also an attitude of "how much of an idiot does she (as in me) have to be to allow that to happen to her?".

I saw a picture of a sign that said, "DON'T GET RAPED".  The picture was redacted to say "DON'T Get RAPEd".

That clearly illustrates the real problem in society.  We tell women "don't get raped" instead of telling men "don't rape".  

Why was a woman raped?  There is only one reason a woman is raped:  it is because a man decided to rape her.  It is that simple.  There is no other explanation.

However, that is somehow dismissed and instead, other explanations for rape besides the obvious in my last sentence are expressed, including, but not limited to, the following:

• she was wearing promiscuous clothing
• she was drinking
• she stayed out late
• she went to a man's apartment or home
• she "asked for it"
• bad sex doesn't equal rape - it is just bad sex "morning after" regret
• she sleeps around
• she is a prostitute
• she is an exotic dancer
• she is a porn star
• she is lying
• she was topless on the beach
• she was flirting with him
• she drunk-dialed him
• she is married to him
• she is his girlfriend or fiance or wife or mistress
• she wrote him love letters
• they're having a lover's quarrel

I could go on and on about the rationalities that are promoted to justify rape or sexual assault.  As you can see, the rationalities promoted to justify rape or sexual assault are all on the woman.  Apparently, men have no responsibility whatsoever to exercise self-control and act as protectors of women and protect women from men who want to rape or sexually assault them.

My generation was socialized into believing that protective men are bad people.  We were socialized into believing that women are supposed to spit on men who try to protect them and embrace men who promote their sexual promiscuous behaviors under the pretext that sexual promiscuity is feminine independence.

I have put the feminist movement into two categories:  the suffrage movement feminists and the baby boomer feminists.

The Suffrage Movement Feminists (SMFs) are advocates for the role of men as protectors and providers for their wives and children and advocates for restraint from promiscuous behavior.  The Suffrage Movement Feminists believe that the role of men is to protect women from rapists and sexual assaulters and make sure rapists and sexual assaulters are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

The Baby Boomer Feminists (BBFs) are very different.  BBFs spit on men who serve as protectors and providers for their wives and children claiming that those men are oppressive.  BBFs don't want men to open doors for women or carry heavy things for them.  BBFs encourage women to be sexually promiscuous and encourage multiple partners and to lay topless on the beach and burn their bras under the guise of a "sexual revolution" for women to have sexual freedom.  

BBFs do not advocate for the prosecution of rapists or sexual assaulters.  Instead, BBFs advocate for women to murder their children with abortions if they get an unwanted preganancy from a rape and allow the rapists and sexual assaulters to run around free without consequence to create more unwanted pregnanacies in the future.  

What is most disturbing is BBFs' efforts to take Second Amendment Rights away from women so that they cannot defend themselves from rapists or sexual assaulters.  BBFs also want to take Second Amendment Rights away from men so that men cannot protect women from rapists or sexual assaulters either.  Promotion of sexually promiscuous behavior without consequence keeps Planned Parenthood busy which funds the Baby Boomer Feminists in the Democrat party.

My realization that I was played by these people is why I left the left.  I consider myself a Suffrage Movement Feminist and denounce the Baby Boomer Feminist movement that promotes rape culture for Planned Parenthood slush funds that line the pockets of Baby Boomer Feminists led by Hillary Clinton and the other women in the Democrat party that have pushed the women's movement backward instead of forward through the advocacy of rape culture.

The 2020 election was stolen.  Hillary Clinton was on camera pushing the narrative that Joe Biden should not concede no matter what (even if he knows he lost the election) because she had hundreds of lawyers ready to go after Donald Trump.  Joe Biden himself admitted on camera that he would illegally grab the oval office with what he said was the most corrupt election mechanism set up in the history of American Politics that would result in him taking the seat of  President of the United States of America without getting a single vote from any American voters.

This means that BBFs are advocating rape culture, destruction of Second Amendment rights, and, as proven from the stealing of the 2020 election, BBFs do not want women to have the right to vote either.

The millions of women in this country who voted for Donald Trump and voted for Republicans that resulted in a Republican majority in the House and the Senate had their voices silenced at the ballot box in violation of the Constitutional rights to vote that was fought for by the Suffrage Movement Feminists since the 1800s.  Hillary Clinton and her BBFs have trampled on the very right to vote that was fought for by the originators of the Feminist Movement - the Suffragettes who fought for women to be able to vote.

Hillary Clinton and her BBFs have put our country on a trajectory for destruction.  It is terrifying to see what they are doing to our country and our planet.  They are pushing everything that was fought for by our predecessors since the revolutionary war backwards against everything that we stand for as a country.

My 21 year old brain who had never lived away from home could not handle all of this at that age.  The blocked memories are a vital necessity so I can function in this dysfunctional system set up to push the Suffrage Feminist Movement backwards to the stone age with socialization for exploitation of women for the BBFs' own selfish gains.

That's all for now.  More later.

The Healing Power of a Good Cry

Yesterday, I was trying to explain how I was attacked in college.  The question I was asked was, "how many men and what was their race?"

I went into shock and started crying hysterically.  I just could not engage in such a conversation.  I was sick and tired of talking about what happened to me like it was just a news broadcast talking about the weather or some other innocuous dispassionate topic.

I explain what happens to me and all I get is compete indifference.  One of the reasons I have blocked out memories is because the indifference is probably more painful than anything else.  It is bad enough these things happened.  However, the attitude that what happened to me is just another event with such indifference creates a blinding level of emotional hell that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

I didn't answer the stupid question being asked of me.  I simply just started crying non-stop hysterically for about an hour or so.  Maybe longer or shorter, I don't know.  All I know is the tears were flowing and I couldn't stop it.

At some point, something kicks in my brain that there is no answer or solution for any of this and I just have to simply shut it out of my mind and get on with my life.  However, the human mind mapping from this trauma on my brain remains there.

That being said, at least some acknowledgement that something actually happened to me is better than saying nothing happened at all.  

Acknowledgement of the event to prompt a good cry is healthy.  Crying is the body's natural way of eliminating toxins and bad energies.  I found after a healthy cry that I felt better.

We live in a society that condemns expression of emotions like crying.  I don't know why it is like that.  It is not healthy to hold things inside.  Crying is a way to get all the bad stuff out of your system.  If we don't get emotions out of our system in a healthy way through expressions like crying, then they will come out in an unhealthy toxic way, which is not good for anyone.  

That being said, I found it has been difficult for me to have any of the emotions that result from what happened to me because nobody wants to hear about it at all.  The most I can do for expression is an anonymous blog like this one here, and even then, I have a great deal of difficulty expressing myself here, even when I know that there is zero chance of revictimization or guilt or shame that comes from people shutting me up or shutting me out.

I have lived alone and worked alone for several years now.  I simply have no interest or desire to bother with anybody.  People want to dump their issues on me but are oblivious to my issues.  That gets tiring after awhile.  It feels like a one-way street.  

At some point, I decided to just forget about myself altogether and focus on everybody and everything else that has nothing to do with the traumas of my past.  However, even that gets tiring.  I feel like I have a boulder I have been carrying around on my shoulders for 35 years.  Why do we live in a society that promotes crimes against women and children?  How did this happen?  Why do we blame women  for "getting raped" instead of holding men accounting for committing rape?  That is the problem. 

That's all for now.  More later.

I Need To Be Better Than This.....

It was very difficult for me to start this blog, and even more difficult for me to maintain it, primarily because writing about all of this is so painful.  I still can't even write the complete story of exactly what happened to me.  I give generics.  I say I was raped.  I say I was beaten.  I don't give details.  I don't express how I feel.  Most people can't handle it, and if I try to explain anything, they can't absorb what I need to say.  It amazes me how people are so upset listening to me say anything, but yet, I'm supposed to just absorb what happened to me and have "consideration" for "those around me" who are feeling "uncomfortable" about what I want to "say".  Why is that.

I remember I went to a psychologist who was supposed to be a specialist in this sort of thing, and I said to her before I even started speaking, I said, "I don't think you will be able to handle what I need to say..." and she said to me, "Go ahead and tell me what's on your mind.  It will be fine."  She was all wide-eyed and innocent and it was obvious there was no way in hell she was going to be able to handle a session with me.  She was going to just fall apart like a dandelion in the wind.  So, I started to talk, and she couldn't handle it.  She sat there frozen with a deer in the headlights look on her face.  So, I was like, "okay, well, never mind.  I'll find someone else.  Thanks for trying...." and I left.

There was one time when I had a session with a psychologist that was better.  He was able to listen actively and not freak out.  He said to me that I was a "mismatch", in a good way.  He said that with everything that I had been through, my condition of PTSD was so severe that I should be incoherent, on medications, in a psychiatric hospital somewhere, or on suicide watch.  However, I was a mismatch.  I was very highly functional for what I have been through, and he thought that I was exceeding the curve by "millions of miles" and should be proud of that.  That made me feel better.  I have been told that my condition has a 96% suicide rate.  What I like about Tony Robbins is he trained my brain to think bigger and better beyond the box that was being defined for me.  I mean, is it really a mismatch?  Maybe the "mismatch" is the refusal to stay in the box that was built for me by society that says, "you belong in this box - stay there -and don't think you can do better or deserve better."  Why.  Why does that make sense.  It doesn't.  It doesn't make any sense at all.

I need to be better than this. 

No Guilt and No Shame

Anything wrong having to do with sex has been "blamed" on women since Moses wrote the books of the Bible, and this "blame game" just exacerbates the issue.  One out of every three women has been or will be attacked on a college campus.  That's a staggering number.  Sexual assault and domestic violence have been on the rise for decades, and nothing has been done.  The sexual assaulters in college are told by the leaders on campus that it is okay and there are no consequences for their attacks against women.

These men leave college to become the sexual harassers of women in management positions and the wife beaters in their families.  We have a society that says all of it is okay, except, talking about it.  Sweep it under the rug and pretend nothing happened.

We have to change the culture.  We have to have a new attitude.  We have to speak up and put a stop to the insanity.

I really believe that the New Testament and Christ addressed the problem of the treatment of women in the Old Testament.  Christ brought a revolutionary message for women to be treated with dignity, respect, and a pathway for healing from guilt and shame regardless of sins of the past, whether they were sins that were put upon women or sins that were committed by women themselves, or both.  There is a lot of depth behind the phrase of Jesus, which says, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone."  Christ recognized that sins about sex that were put 100% on the women for the blame did not happen in a vacuum without men.  When Christ was approached by men, who threw Mary Magdalene in front of Christ and said that she was a prostitute who had sex with married men for money, Christ said to those men, "he who is without sin, cast the first stone."  Nobody cast the first stone.  They dropped their stones and left.  Christ then said to Mary Magdalene, ".....I do not condemn you...."  Christ also cast out the seven demons of Mary Magdalene.  I believe that the "seven demons" is what we call post-traumatic stress disorder and rape trauma syndrome today.  Language 2000 years ago, I suspect, could not communicate these ideas like we do today.  Mary Magdalene was Christ's closest disciple.  For me, the key to salvation is through Christ's message, and the Bible doesn't give us the complete message if we only look at the Old Testament and we forget about the message of Christ with Mary Magdalene.  Christ heals.

The Pain Gets Worse......

There are days when I feel like this blog doesn't make the pain better, even though that is the point of why I started it in the first place.  Sometimes, I feel like it makes the pain worse.

Honestly, I don't think the rapes or the beatings are nearly as bad as dealing with the emotional pain of how people react to what happened to me.  I think the most painful emotions happen when I am met with complete indifference to what has happened to me.  If I try to explain that I was raped or I was beaten, I get a response of indifference like I just said I went to the store or I just watered my plants.  If I don't get indifference, then the other reaction will be that either I deserved it, or, that I'm just being a drama queen looking for attention - that I'm exaggerating - or that I'm just outright lying.

The worst part is that sometimes I think that not only is there indifference to what I say happened to me, I feel like I'm not supposed to even talk about it.  Forget about emotions.  I can't be angry, or hurt, or cry, or scream, or yell, or express anything about what happened at all.  How can I even get to emotions when I can't even talk about it.  I mean, even now, I can't even bring myself to write about what happened to me in my own anonymous blog.  I've written some things, but not everything, because the emotional pain is so unbearable it's too much for me.  Just the events are painful enough, but I can't get past the social barriers of rejection and finger-pointing and blame game.  It's horrible.  Even now, just talking about the subject of talking about what happened, without even getting to what happened, is creating alot of emotional hell for me.

What is also frustrating is that the car accident is on the inside.  If someone breaks a leg, or an arm, or has some physical disfigurement on the outside that people can see, then the reaction of horror and anger and sympathy comes from others because it is tangible.  They can see it.  Even if its a biological virus on the inside, still, its tangible with science.  But, when someone like me is talking about emotional pain, it just doesn't get the same response, or reaction, at all.

I can explain a broken leg, or a broken arm, but how do I explain a broken soul.  How do I explain a broken mind.  How do I explain a permanent hell that exists in me that no matter how much I pray, or meditate, or focus on other things, to wipe that hell away, it never goes away.  It's always there.  The most I am able to do is to just get the volume down to level 1 or 2 instead of level 9 or 10.

Once in a great while, and I mean ONCE in a GREAT WHILE, as in VERY RARELY, I have had a break from that hell and had moments of normalcy recently.  They are very few, and very fleeting.  They don't stay, but, it is nice that at least, I can see them.  So, that gives me hope.

I remember those moments of internal normalcy with such vividness.  Nothing special was going on, but I can remember I was standing in my living room and it was there, and it was so nice.  It would be good if I could somehow repair myself 100% to be at that place all the time.  I don't know if I will get there.  I keep trying, and I don't give up.

What's the Point.....

I ask myself this question on many occasions about what has happened in the past, how does it affect the present, and what is the purpose for the future.  Sometimes I feel like there has to be some higher purpose for everything I went through.  I often fall back on the test of Job - we keep our faith when things go wrong and don't make sense.  Instead of moving away from God, we move closer to God, because that is the best remedy for getting the demons out of our world, and if we can keep our faith and trust in God through difficult times, and move closer to Him instead of away from Him, then when the thunderstorm in our lives are over, we come out better, stronger, and now we can help others.

All of this sounds good in theory, but quite frankly, there are times when I just get depressed.  PTSD cost me my relationships with my family and friends.  I live and work alone because of it.  I have a great deal of difficulty meeting people and making new friends because of it.  Even though I have overcome most of the original grip PTSD had on my psyche and soul for so many years, it still has left an aftermath of broken relationships with family friends, loss of my home, my possessions, my career, my education, essentially, so many things I had worked for that if I didn't have PTSD gripping my soul and my brain, what would my life have been like in that case.  What would have been different.  I am going to be 50 in a couple of weeks and I look back at the damage that PTSD did to my life and the life of everybody around me that was close to me, and it's damage that can't be undone. All of that is very depressing for me.

My mother was playing Chinese Checkers with me one day and she always beat me at that game.  I couldn't figure out why, but she always won whenever we played.  It was a fun game and an excuse for us to bond when I was a kid.  I remember one day when we were playing I asked her how it is that she always wins, and she didn't answer right away.  However, there was a point in the game a few minutes later when I moved one of my pieces one step backwards.  When I did that, she said to me, "don't do that."  I said, "what do you mean?"  She said, "don't move backwards.  Always move forward.  Every step you take, you always move forward, you never look back.  Not just here, in life.  Always look forward, and never look back."  So then, I changed my move.  I moved a piece forward.  She said to me, "good.  That's right. That's how you win."

I take that advice to heart and I apply it to my life when I think about the past and trying to make sense of it all.  I fall back on the advice of my mother in the game of Chinese Checkers and in life.  "Never look back.  Always move forward."  I didn't realize it at that time, but she was giving me a life lesson.  She was, and still is, a great mom.

Milo Yannipoulos Speaks Out, and then, Caves In, to Sexual Abuse Cover-Up Culture

Milo Yannipoulos was an editor of Breitbart, a conservative online news outlet.  Steve Bannon, who was with Brietbart news, is now in President Donald Trump's cabinet as one of his advisors.  Milo lost Simon and Schuster as the original publisher of his upcoming book because he made comments that seemed to endorse pedophilia.  He said that a mature 13 year old boy with an adult male is not pedophilia.  After the backlash he received from losing Simon and Schuster publishers and the backlash from the mainstream media, he came out in a press conference and admitted that he was a gay man and he was sexually abused by two men when he was 13, one of them being a priest, and he did not realize that what happened to him was, in fact, abuse, until now.  He was dealing with the feelings from his abuse with his rhetoric that was not intended to hurt or affect other abuse victims. He resigned from Breitbart. 

It is not uncommon for sexual abuse victims to overcompensate for their abuse by saying they consented, they were in control, it was their choice, or that it wasn't abuse.  Having to face the reality that someone who was in a position of authority with a predatory mentality took advantage of one's trust and innocence is very difficult to manage.  I am speaking from experience.  It took a very long time for me to admit that I was too nieve and too trusting of predatory people who took advantage, because then I feel that it means that what happened was somehow my fault.  Should've Could've Would've is Monday morning quarterbacking.  So easy to see after the fact.

Milo said in his press conference that he is moving away from conservative news reporting and starting a new website to give him an outlet for entertainment rhetoric.  I admire Milo's bravery in speaking up about his survival of sexual abuse and putting it out there.  I don't even have the guts to come out of my shell as the author of this blog.  I have found that when I have tried to tell people what has happened to me I am treated like a disease that someone might catch - the "abuse" disease.  It doesn't help a survivor of abuse to feel alienated or rejected by others or to feel like the survivor said or did something wrong to affect someone else.  Milo showed alot of emotional strength with this press conference.

Perhaps if all survivors of abuse came out and spoke collectively it can come to a stop and addressed for future generations.  Easier said than done.  There is a cover-up culture that has to change, and it is like trying to pull a dinosaur or an elephant with a rope to make that happen.  The first step, at a minimum, is to not feel alone.  Hopefully that can change.  Maybe this blog can help with that.  Posting all of these well-known personalities like Rhianna, Marie Osmond, and Milo Yannipoulos clearly establishes that it affects all genders, all ages, all races, all income levels, and it has been going on for decades, and for all of the outspeaks by social justice warriors on the left and Trump supporters on the right, the problem of sexual abuse, rape trauma syndrome, and post-traumatic stress disorder is a plague destroying civilized society, and it is still swept under the rug with the delusion that somehow if people continue to put their heads in the sand like ostriches and never discuss it, it will go away.  Not true.  There has to be a change.  Complacency and cover-up is not the answer.  

The Challenge of Building Relationships

I took a long break from writing because just the few entries I had posted were very, very tough for me.  That being said, I read my entries now, a few months later, and they really did make me feel better.  I hope that anyone who is suffering from PTSD or RTS like me will feel safe and validated with my entries here.  If this blog helps even one person, it will be very worthwhile for me.

I have had to face a few realities to understand how all of this happened to me in the first place.  First, I will be clear that I have evolved past the "its my fault" blame game garbage guilt shame crap that was plaguing me for a very long time.  Nothing that happened to me is my fault.  I do not feel guilty about anything.  I have nothing to be ashamed of at all.  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

Instead of guilt, shame, or regret, I have realized that what I really need to do is learn from it.  Here is what I have learned.  First, some background.

Both my parents were extremely intelligent, and, I believe, tried to love me in their own way as best they could.  They did do alot of things right despite their shortcomings and I am grateful for all of the things they did right.  I believe I have the strength and work ethic to face impossible situations and my intelligence and determination and drive because of my parents, so for all of that, I am grateful.

My parents were very giving people in that they gave alot to others, including their children like me, while expecting little to nothing in return.  I do think that this was a contributing factor to me allowing people to just trample all over me and not stand up for myself.  Many of the abuses that have happened to me - they happened because I had no training from my parents on how to stand up and not take crap from people.  I realized that I had to learn to figure this out myself, but even now, 30 years later, I find it to be a challenge.

At first, I went into hyper-bitch mode and just didn't trust anybody and was guarded with everybody. This was a perfect solution to keeping people from hurting me, but it also resulted in isolation and bad feelings about me with others.  So, I realized that was not the right approach either.  I had to find a mid-way point between doormat and ice bitch.  I think I still struggle with this, but not as much as before.  I call my optimum midway point "nice person, cool chick" but nice doesn't mean doormat or fool.  If I feel that I am being trampled on or abused or taken advantage of or played for a doormat fool, I stand up.  I say, "no more".  I assert myself.  I set boundaries and say, "unacceptable.  I deserve better than this."  I also will go into hyper-ice bitch mode if it is necessary.  Having this approach has proven to be somewhat effective, but, it is a balance.  When to be nice?  When to be assertive?  When to come out swinging?  When to sit and wait?  So much to think about, and because it is not natural behavior for me, it is constantly in my front conscious mind.  However, through trial and error, and, from studying Tony Robbins and personality types and personality conflicts and building relationships, etc., I get better and better every day.

However, that being said, I live alone and work alone.  I should be grateful for the freedom.  I am grateful for the freedom in alot of ways, but I am still facing the challenge of building relationships and having people in my life I can love and trust.  Tony Robbins says that we have six basic human needs, and our behavior is driven to meet these needs.  Those six needs are:  certainty, uncertainty (variety), connection/love, significance, growth, contribution.  I believe that the need of connection/love is not being met at all for me.  It is a huge challenge given what I have been through.

It's okay.  I have also learned to be nice to myself, forgive myself, take one step at a time, and focus on just the next step.  Forget the past, the future, and just focus on the present, now, and ask myself, "what is the next step?".  Sometimes, just keeping a focus on next helps to move forward.  Breaking things down into small steps is very helpful.

I have made alot of progress, but I still have alot left to do.  I will, one step at a time, one day at a time.  It will work out.  It will be okay.  I have faith in the power of God and prayer.

They say that we see God in our darkest hour.  I think, to some degree, this is true.  I think I discovered the meaning of the Lord's Prayer when I was at my darkest hour.  When I understood the Lord's Prayer, really really understood its meaning, it gave me incredible power I didn't know existed.

Our Father, Who Art In Heaven
Hallowed Be Thy Name
Thy Kingdom Come
Thy Will be Done On Earth as It Is In Heaven
Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread
And Forgive Us Our Trespasses
As We Forgive Those Who Trespass Against Us
And Lead Us Not Into Temptation
But Deliver Us From Evil
For Thine is the Kingdom
And The Power
And The Glory Forever
Amen.

I will talk more about the Lord's Prayer in my next blog post.  That's all for now.  More later.

Marie Osmond Caves into Pressure from Sexual Abuse Cover-Up Culture

I recently saw an interview by Larry King of Marie Osmond.  She admitted to being a victim of sexual abuse (see YouTube video below starting at 2:55).  However, she also said (see YouTube video below starting at 8:38), "I don't want to be the spokesperson for sexual abuse.  I'm talking about post-partum depression."

I guess the question that comes to my mind is, "why not Marie?"  She is one person who could probably rip through the guilt and shame and bring it into the spotlight where it belongs.  I wish she would change her position on this.  It would probably help with her depression, and help many other women with their depression and other conditions like PTSD that are ancillary to sexual abuse.

Marie, you already put it on national television and published it in a book.  33% of the women in this country get it.  Don't backpedal now!  Blaze the path and others will follow.

Here's the interview from YouTube.

Tony Robbins Cured my PTSD (Really? Yes Really...)

Does that heading look totally crazy?  Before I experienced the breakthrough that cured my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I would have said the same thing.  I will explain to you how the cure happened, but first, I need to explain the background of my condition.  If you have PTSD, then this probably will look familiar to you.

After 27 years of going to therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, in and out of psychiatric hospitals, on and off of psychiatric medications, and still no relief, it seemed like PTSD was the unwanted roommate that moved into my soul and was here to stay forever. 

   

I had a psychiatrist describe me as a "mismatch". What he read in my file suggested that I should not be even coherent enough to walk or talk or do anything, let along have a job or work.  I should be drugged up on medications in a psych ward somewhere on disability unable to function.  

I had a counselor tell me that my condition of PTSD was so severe it had a 96% suicide rate and therefore, if I was waking up alive and breathing and I did not kill myself that day, then it was a good day.  That was the most that I could hope for with my condition.

I was also told by psychiatrists and counselors that I could never be 100% better. I was told that I would go through the stages of grief - denial, acknowledgement, anger, sadness, acceptance. The best I could hope for was acceptance, but that would be as good as it gets.The idea that I could actually be 100% better and whole again was an idea I should not waste my time on considering.

For the past 27 years, I would wake up and feel like there was a giant boulder in my chest that I had to push uphill. That was a good day.  Other days I'd have triggers and flashbacks with adrenaline going 1000 mph through my system with blinding emotional pain that would paralyze me to the point that I couldn't function.  I didn't understand why this was as good as it gets and I had to just accept it.

Up until recently, before I learned about Tony Robbins methods, I operated on sheer will power, drive, and prayer.  But it was always like pushing a boulder uphill. I would tell myself to be a warrior and fight the internal currents and plow through anyways.  This was very helpful to a point.  The sheer determination and stubborn refusal to give up or give in to these PTSD emotions at least got me ahead of the curve to be able to function to a certain point.

This was not without any consequences, however.  I still had moments where the will to keep going just wasn't there and I couldn't muster it up no matter how hard I tried and in 2008, I tried to commit suicide but I had a friend who was there and he stopped me from doing it.  He shipped me to a psychiatric hospital and they treated me, for which I was grateful.  That was probably my lowest point.  Then I went through counseling and psychiatric meds and all of that was helpful too.  The meds helped me to get a glimpse of what normal felt like, and the counseling at least acknowledged my extreme emotional pain and suffering, so that was helpful also. 

I then had good days and bad days and I kept the good fight going but ultimately, it was still always there and always something I had to negotiate with every waking minute of my life, but the good news was that it had gone from almost killing me to a lower volume level of being an annoyance, like a dull pain that never goes away but I just got used to it.  I think that was the "acceptance" phase I had been told about by the counselors.

So every day I was always looking for ways to get better.  I still had hope that somehow I was fixable.  It was well known that some people had PTSD, but others who were exposed to similar traumatic events didn't develop PTSD at all.  So, what was going on there?  If it really was all scientific and final, then PTSD should develop in everyone who gets an exposure to trauma, not just some and not others.  That fact alone told me that there was something I was missing.  Something I needed to figure out to be free of PTSD and not have it come back, just like the people who had exposure to traumas and never developed PTSD.  What were they thinking or doing that I wasn't?

One day I was watching a Tony Robbins video discussing how to change one's emotional state.  I was fascinated with the idea that I could change my emotional state with my control by my rules.  That is the frustration with PTSD.  It feels like it just comes up whenever it wants and I have to battle it all the time.  

In the video, Tony Robbins explains that you can change your emotional state by doing two things.  First, motion changes emotion.  In other words, get up and move around, walk around, exercise, run, do something to move your body.  When you move your body, think about how you move when you are confident and you have had a great victory and you're on top of the world.  Move like you're in that emotional state.  When you move like you're happy and enthusiastic and on top of the world and victorious and confident, the emotional state comes with the body movements.  I tried this and I found it to be true.  It did work and helped me to feel alot better.

Second, and this is where the big breakthrough happened for me, is changing your core story.  Core story?  What is that?  Well, Tony Robbins explains that everybody has a story that they are running on that controls everything the person is thinking and feeling.  So, if you can figure out your core story then you can rewrite your core story and change your emotional state.

It sounded so trite and silly.  It can't be that simple.  But I was willing to try anything to not feel this way anymore, so I tried it.

I wrote my old core story.  And then I wrote my new core story.  When I did that, I got my breakthrough.  The PTSD storm was gone.  100% gone.  I couldn't believe it.  I had not felt like me with zero PTSD in over 27 years!  I had forgotten what "me" felt like,  And I had all of this energy!! So much energy I didn't know what to do with it!!! IT WAS INCREDIBLE!  

So, I want everybody who is suffering with PTSD to know that there is hope.  Tony Robbins has all the tools you can imagine to help change your emotional state and free you of the grip of your core story that is causing all of your symptoms.  I know its hard to believe, but it can't hurt to try.  

Changing Your State With a New Story

I have been burying myself in videos by Tony Robbins and I have found them to be very helpful.  I have been struggling with PTSD for over twenty-five years.  What I'm about to suggest may come off as trite or silly for someone who has PTSD, but I found it to be very helpful for me, and so by sharing, hopefully, it will be helpful for you.

With PTSD, I get a trigger - like a look or smell of something that reminds me of the trauma of my past, and when that happens, my adrenalin goes 1000 mph with pupils dilated and intense fear and the same painful feelings of imminent death, blinding pain, and extreme fear that I felt at the time of the traumatic events that resulted in the PTSD condition.  Needless to say, it's not fun.

Tony Robbins talks about changing your state.  That this can be done by simply changing the story.  I started to explore this because if I could somehow snap myself out of a PTSD episode and be myself, that level of control over my emotions would be empowering, to say the least.

So, I started to really listen to what was the story that was playing in my mind that was causing the PTSD episode to occur.  There has to be a story playing in my mind that is not making sense, because that story is creating fear and pain and it is the wrong story, because, I'm alone and nothing is happening to me.  The hard part is listening to the story.  It is very hard, but I did manage to figure it out, I think.

The story that was playing in my mind was that whatever happened to me was my fault, and if something like that happens, it is my fault, there is nothing I can do about it, and the only foolproof way to be 100% sure it never happens to me is to trust nobody, go nowhere, wear baggy clothes with no make-up so I don't look interesting or attractive to anyone, and basically, live like a Howard Hughes recluse.  Then I'm safe and everything is okay, except, I have no friends, no family, no love, no connections, and the extent of my relationships is remotely through the Internet, on my cell phone, or by e-mail or, sometimes, video conference calls.  That's it.  What a great life.  Not.

So I began to realize I need a different story.  So, I started to work on it.  I started to come up with a different story.  Easier said than done.  So far, this is what I have come up with for my new story.

First, I said, what happened to me was not my fault.  I trusted someone and that person violated my trust.  The person who violated my trust - that is the person who is at fault, not me.  When I trusted someone to come into my personal space, and I was vulnerable with that person, and that person violated my trust, that person was wrong, not me.  So, I eliminated the belief that whatever happened to me was my fault.  It was not my fault.  That's the first part of the story.

So, the second part of the story is, what can I do to make sure that it doesn't happen again but still have relationships and trust people.  This is much more difficult for me.  I didn't have the answer to this one, but I began to realize that if I didn't have this answer, then I would not have my new story.

I decided that for me, the core of the issue was power.  The first guy who raped me controlled my scholarship.  The second guy who raped me and stalked me controlled my social circles.  My husband controlled me economically and socially and he beat me repeatedly.  All three had one thing in common - power.  I gave them power over me.  That didn't make it a "fault" thing with me.  It's just that I trusted people and gave them power over me and they violated my trust.  Sometimes trusting the right person can be empowering, not a violation of trust.  Synergy can produce amazing results. In my case, I had given my power to the wrong people.

So, what is the solution.  I decided that the solution, is to never give my economic power to anyone or give weight to social circles against my principals ever again.  That way, nobody controls me economically, and I have the power to stand up for myself and find the people who will stand by me when others don't.

So, my new story is this:

What happened to me is not my fault.  I trusted individuals who violated my trust and gave them power over me economically and socially.  I will dedicate the rest of my life to empowering myself economically with better social capital to ensure that what happened to me before never happens again.

So, now I take all of my energy and I dedicate it to building my company and building my social capital with the right network of people who support me professionally and personally.

Everybody has to write their own new story.  The most important elements of your story if you are rewriting your story to overcome PTSD is to make sure your story has two things:  (1) it was not your fault, and (2) you will not give your economic or social power away to anyone ever again.  This will enable you to interact with others but keep your power of choice to change your state on your own by changing the story in your mind.

Try the new story exercise and the next time you're having a PTSD episode, stop and read your story.  See if it helps.  Comment and let me know how it worked for you.  Share your new story.  The more new stories we share, the more we can help each other.  You may have to rewrite your story over and over again.  In fact, I'm not even 100% satisfied with this story, but it's a start, and I find that just giving myself the power to change my story and change my state helps me to feel in control, which is a step in the right direction to putting PTSD in the past where it belongs.

The Car Accident Inside

I graduated with a 3.7 GPA from a community college in my area and went away to an out of state university on scholarship for my grades and for my accomplishments in speech competition - I won over 30 awards in speech writing and speaking including 4 National Championship awards. I was on top of the world.

When I went away to college, I was harassed, stalked, and attacked repeatedly while I was in school by one individual who had a say in my scholarship, and thereafter, by another who had control in my social circles. I tried to report all of this to officials on campus and to my so-called friends. I was directed to a "rape counselor" on campus. The "rape counselor" met me every day for two weeks and once a week thereafter. Since the counselor was assigned by the school, it led me to believe that the school cared. The school did nothing. They didn't report it to police. They didn't do anything to the predators that made my life hell. I was told by everyone I spoke to that it was somehow my fault because I had asked for it because I was too friendly, too trusting, I dressed too nicely, etc. The counselor said nothing and just sat there and listened and offered absolutely no help or advice. I might as well have been talking to a wall. Finally after a few months when stopped going, the "rape counselor" blew up my phone and started speaking to me, but even then, she never told me to go to police or report anything, she just told me to keep coming and talking to her like a wall. In hindsight, I believe she was planted by the university to gather information to use against me if I ever did decide to sue the school. They were just doing what they thought was necessary to insulate themselves from liability, not to protect me as a student.

I was confused. I thought somehow the predators were right and I was wrong. The predators had a lot of clout on campus. I was the newcomer transfer student. I was also lonely and wanted to have friends and fit in. With a social structure and university structure and everybody and everything in my world at that time saying that I was wrong and they were right, it affected me.

I stopped eating, I experienced severe depression where I slept for days, I couldn't read my textbooks or hear anything in class. I ended up in the hospital when I passed out from starvation and dehydration because I never left bed and never ate. The doctor diagnosed me with anorexia and they fed me and gave me water intravenously until I was better. People thought I had a body image issue. I didn't. I just wanted to disappear.

When my grades died, I lost my scholarship. I went from a 3.7 GPA and 30 awards in speech competition, to being a college dropout and developing a stuttering problem. I had reported what had happened to me to the dean of the liberal arts college where I was a student, the president of the entire university, a "rape counselor" and "psychiatrist" on campus, other students. Nothing. Nobody heard me. Nobody cared.

I dropped out of school and came home a college dropout. I had failed myself and my family.

I have been fighting Rape Trauma Syndrome and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder my whole adult life. I have been through the PTSD machine. Angry outbursts, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, nightmares, inabilities to concentrate, psychiatric hospitals in-patient admissions, loss of family and friends, isolation, fear. Most of all, fear. Fear that never goes away and never ends and is there 24/7.

The one thing that was never taken away from me was my desire to learn. I felt like everything else had been taken away from me but my desire to learn, and the knowledge from it, was never taken away. It was the one thing the predators never took from me: my desire to learn, my work ethic, my determination, and my refusal to be defined by a college degree, a college institution, institutions in general, family, and friends. Needless to say, it is alot to stand up against, but I have also learned that faith and prayer and God on my side has given me strength to accomplish and do amazing things I never thought I could do.

My PTSD is so severe I can't even go near a college campus without experiencing severe PTSD symptoms making it impossible for me to function, let alone finish school.

What could my life have been if I could have gone to college free of rape, harassment and stalking. Why are these luxuries and not fundamental rights based on common sense and the basic tenets of a civilized western society.

I'm doing the work I love in the field I love. It took a very long time for me to get to this point, but I am here. I just wish that I could have finished the education I was supposed to finish.

I am writing with the hope that it will help others to understand the long-term effects of this rape culture on college campus. Women are damaged and denied education, but that's not even the worst part. What is most disturbing is that institutions of learning are teaching young men that rape, harassment, and sexual assault is okay. The rapists, harrassers, and sexual assaulters on the campuses of today will be in key positions of management and authority in the workplace and will carry what they learned in college to the workplace with continued harassment, sexual assault, and rape against women in the workplace and at home. The colleges are integrating rape, harassment, and assault into the fabric of our mainstream society as acceptable.

My Split Personality Life

I really hate having to stay anonymous for this blog. After all, what did I do wrong. I don't have anything to be ashamed of, right? Sounds good in theory, but reality doesn't work that way. In reality, when I have tried to express what happened to me and my frustrations about it, I have been hit with, at a minimum, an undertone of "you asked for it" attitude. It's so ridiculous. Saying that I asked to be raped is like saying somebody asked to get in a car accident or asked to be mugged. Nobody asks for it, and if somebody is in a car accident or gets mugged, the first priority is never blaming the person with an "I told you so" attitude. The first priority is to make sure the car accident victim or mugging victim is okay, and then focus on future prevention.

The problem with Rape Trauma Syndrome and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is that the car accident is on the inside and nobody can see it. On the outside, I look fine. I look okay. I don't have any physical broken bones. My body is not splattered all over the pavement from getting hit by a bus or a train. However, what happens on the inside, that's another story. My soul is shattered, my psyche is shattered, everything internal is a giant broken mess, and the damage doesn't go away. It's not like I can just take a nap or a vacation and come back repaired. RTS and PTSD do not work that way. They are like unwelcome roommates that just show up in your soul and move in and stay there. And, they just take over everything and kick you to the curb. As a result, I experience intense fear when I don't want to or need to. I experience nightmares, flashbacks, difficulty concentrating, and it never ends. The only reason that I can even start this blog is because I have had this condition for over 20 years and maturity, time, psychiatric drugs, therapy, and attention to diet, sleep and exercise, and the power of prayer and belief in God to give me strength I didn't even know I had, all of that, has made it possible for me to even talk about it.

I couldn't even talk about what happened to me without experiencing extreme blinding emotions that made it impossible for me to function. The solution for me was to just avoid whatever was causing the trigger/flashback: in my case, drop out of college.

For a long time, I felt like I was a wimp. I mean, so something happened to me. Why can't I just forget about it and move on. Why can't I just put it in the past and leave it there? That's how it should be, but that's not how it works. I wish it did. I wish I could forget everything and just start over somewhere else. PTSD and RTS, the unwanted roommates, won't let that happen.

So, at this point, I started this blog mainly because I discovered recently that when I committed my thoughts to paper without any fear or repercussions of what somebody would say or do with my words, it helped me to feel better. It helped me to recall some memories as just memories without the blinding emotional pain.

That made me realize that I could just start an anonymous blog for my streams of consciousness, and who knows, maybe other women who have been through what I have been through can get some sort of validation or catharsis from what I'm saying, since I suspect every women who has been through this is keeping quiet and trying to pretend nothing happened just like me.

So, I will write about what happened and my thoughts about it, but in reality, I still continue to slap a smile on my face and act like my world is perfect and nothing happened. I have yet to understand why this society is so terrified of a discussion about rape but so indifferent to the victims of it. It baffles me to this day.